The Double J and Stadium Envy

Sixty-dollar pizzas and Party Passes aside, the new Dallas Cowboys’ stadium is likely to be pretty awesome. It’s got a huge TV you can stare at. Parking there is reportedly quite easy. And there’s even a giant window on the press room, so you can eat a hot dog while watching Wade Phillips get asked 700 times why he kicked a field goal down four points with 35 seconds left, when all the poor man wants is to eat a hot dog. The Double J reportedly visited five-star hotels and resorts all over the world to get inspiration for the stadium’s design, with the expressed goal of making this the most luxurious, state-of-the-art sports facility ever conceived. And, by most reports, it delivers. It’s a $1.15 billion architectural wonder. You’ll be shocked the entire building isn’t in the shape of a sail. Or located in Dubai. It’s that amazing.

It also threatens to rip the fabric of the League apart.

Even before this stadium was built, the Cowboys were one of the NFL’s biggest moneymakers, ranking third overall in total league revenue last year. In 2007, Forbes declared them the most valuable team in the NFL, again without the new stadium existing yet. The Double J has been more than happy to leverage the Cowboys’ popularity into any number of independent licensing deals (Pepsi, etc.) that attempted to circumvent the league’s revenue sharing policy.

Now, with the new Cowboys Stadium, the Cowboys threaten to open up an even wider gulf between themselves and teams in the lower-tier of NFL revenue (San Francisco, Minnesota, etc.). Teams like Buffalo were already craving new stadiums before this Taj Majerry was built. Now, they may not even be satisfied with just that. The Cowboys’ stadium also gives teams like Washington, Atlanta, and Tampa – teams that play in relatively new facilities – a reason to look for upgrades to even newer, more luxurious digs. The Georgia Dome has no bidets! WHAT NFL TEAM COULD LIVE IN SUCH SQUALOR?!

This means that the list of teams complaining about wanting new stadiums could grow even bigger, which in turn could cause franchise relocation, which in turn cause the occasional sucker town to build some $1.5 billion megalopolis they can’t actually afford. Small market owners may demand that Jerry share more of his loot, which he’ll refuse to do. The Players’ Association will demand more money because they know Jerry is charging $84 for gum. Disagreements will be had. Strikes could be inevitable. DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA!

So remember that when you go and check out all the kickass carpeted flooring in the Cowboys’ new home. It’s a really nice place. It may also be a sign of the End of Days.

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