Say Hello to the $1.15 Billion Cell Phone

Well, tonight’s the NIGHT! The first official Cowboys game to ever take place in the new stadium. It’s expensive! It’s purty! And according to the Houston Chronicle, it’s like ten national landmarks lashed together!

Cowboys Stadium is taller than the Statue of Liberty and longer than the Empire State Building is tall, except for the antenna mast. The two arches that support its curved walls, retractable roof and massive end-zone glass doors are each twice as long as the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.

Why, you can fit six Eiffel Towers in each toilet stall! Each sideline can accommodate the population of a town the size of Fargo! The empanada stand is actually a life-size replica of Machu Picchu! Yes, it’s quite a place. Here are some things to look out for when you roll into The House That Double J Built tonight:

Art! According to Bloomberg, the new stadium has “the most extensive fine-art installation in the league,” easily topping Lambeau Field’s butter statue garden. There are enough giant art installations in the new stadium to make Steve Wynn void his bowels, including:

“Solar Arrangement,” a 21-foot-high, 131-foot- long rendering of a yellow rose as the sun with sphere-shaped clusters of clovers and leaves and a popcorn ball orbiting it…

(Franz) Ackermann’s “Coming Home (Meet Me) At the waterfall,” a 40-foot-by-60-foot acrylic work showing a multicolored collage of images…

Doug Aitken’s “star” (2008), a 45-inch-by-119-inch neon-lit light box that flashes the word, STAR, in capital letters (cause Tony Romo is a STAR!)…

(Mel) Bochner’s “Win!” (2009), a list of several sports cheers painted onto a wall, such as “Win!,” “Beat ‘em to a Pulp!” and “Wipe ‘Em Out!”

That’s quite a gallery. I like art that flashes.

Natural Light! According to the Chron:

The glass walls, coupled with the lack of columns, let natural light stream into the building to a degree even greater than at Reliant Stadium

Watching football and sunlight? Together? I dunno if I can abide by that.

Picnicking! According to the Chron:

Tailgating spaces are provided in grassy berms at the perimeter of each parking lot, easing traffic congestion within each lot.

Remember, those are berms and not knolls. It’s a big landscaping faux pas to erect grassy knolls in the Dallas area.

That’s not all. There’s also food, really large TV’s, luxury suites you can’t possibly afford, and more. It all adds up to one extremely impressive new venue. It’s dramatic. It’s bold. It’s everything a stadium could ever hope to be. I’m not even sure I’m doing it justice with those words. Maybe the owner of the joint could sum it all up best.

With its high-tech sheen, the 80,000-seat stadium reminds Jones of “a really contemporary cell phone,” he said Thursday.

Yes, that’s it. A $1.15 billion cell phone. Just what you’ve always wanted. You do get a $20 mail-in rebate for it when you sign for Sprint, though. So there’s that.

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