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Presenting Statistical Proof That The Cowboys Are Horrifyingly Dumb

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    NEWSLETTERS

    It was hard to watch the Cowboys lose to Minnesota yesterday and not think to yourself, “Gadzooks, this is the stupidest team in the history of everything ever!” Well, your instincts weren’t lying to you, my friend. For ESPN blogger Kevin Seifert went ahead and found some stats that will only verify your complete and utter hatred of the Cowboys and their coaching staff:

     

    According to ESPN's Stats & Information, 24 of the Romo's 32 pass attempts traveled five yards or fewer downfield.

    But that’s not all! Romo’s passer rating on those short attempts was a full 20 points LOWER than when he threw the ball downfield. Would you like to be even angrier? HERE!

     

    Romo targeted (Roy) Williams three times, (Dez) Bryant twice and Miles Austin five times. They finished with a combined six catches. Tailback (Felix) Jones, meanwhile, had 10 passes thrown his way.

    Half of those six wideout catches were touchdowns, by the way. So here we have a depleted Vikings secondary, missing Cedric Griffin and forced to play Lito Sheppard for much of the game (Sheppard was victimized on all three Dallas scores), and does Jason Garrett choose to take advantage of the obvious advantage his receivers have over Minnesota’s secondary? Well, I could explain why Garrett declined, but you’d need a PRINCETON DEGREE TO UNDERSTAND, YOUNG RUFFIAN. Although I do find it oddly hilarious that this is probably the one time Cowboys fans were extremely annoyed that Felix Jones was more heavily featured in the offense.

    Would you like more damning stats? Fear not, for ESPN’s Matt Mosley also has one more for you. That’s right. Dallas effs up games so badly, ESPN needs TWO men to cover all the damage.

     

    Dallas has outgained its opponents in total offense in all five games this season but is only 1-4.

    And in four of those five games, they’ve outgained those opponents by more than 100 yards.

    Those stats don’t even touch on the ones you already know plenty about: penalties (eleven yesterday alone, all committed at the exact wrong time) and turnovers. By my unofficial count, this is the third game this year in which a late penalty has directly led to a Cowboys defeat. First there was Alex Barron in Week 1. Then the horrible celebration penalty against the Titans. And then Mike Jenkins’ PI call yesterday. Was it a lousy call? Yes. But when you’re the stupidest team in football, refs aren’t going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

    So welcome to the death spiral, gang. The Cowboys may go on to win a few more games this year and get your hopes back up. But ultimately, what you saw yesterday is pretty much guaranteed for the rest of the year: Talent destroyed by idiocy. They aren’t running the table. Wade Phillips isn’t going to turn into a genius overnight. And worst of all, the stupidity is systemic. No one who is in the building right at this very moment can save this team. I’ll let Mosley explain what’s in store for the rest of the year:

     

    Barring an epic turnaround, Jones will eventually get around to firing Phillips at the end of the season. And he'll absolutely hate doing it because he loves an arrangement in which a head coach defers to him on pretty much every important decision and isn't jealous of his Papa John's commercials.

    Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 Dallas Cowboys.