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Jessica Simpson Puts Hex On Cowboys Season: Tabloid

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Anyone who has watched Tony Romo play football for the past two years will happily tell you that the quarterback’s ex-girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, acted like a giant-breasted tiki idol that brought Romo (and thus, the team) nothing but ill will and excruciatingly timed misfortune.

    From the day Simpson showed up in her stupid pink Romo jersey in a luxury box when the team played the Eagles on Dec. 16, 2007, (Romo threw three picks and completed barely a third of his passes that day), virtually all of Romo’s shortcomings could be blamed on Simpson. All of it, in my opinion, justified. I had Romo as my fantasy team’s QB that year, and Simpson RUINED him. Filthy strumpet.

    So this year, it was a relief to many Cowboy fans that Romo decided to part ways with Simpson during the offseason. Finally. No more camera cutaways during crucial games, followed instantly by a Romo fumble or pick. No more trips to Mexico during the freakin’ playoffs. No more days of Simpson showing up drunk at team headquarters after dropping her car keys down an elevator shaft. No more annoying, big-breasted distractions.

    Alas, though Simpson is no longer in Romo’s life, she has seen fit to destroy your season anyway, Cowboys fans. The National Enquirer reports that Simpson met a witch online (You might say she was… eWitched. Huh? Huh?), and hired her to put a hex on Romo’s love life AND his play with the Cowboys this year.

    A source told National Enquirer magazine: "Jessica is normally a really sweet girl, but she still can't believe Tony callously dumped her."

    "She found a woman in California. The two met at the star's Beverly Hills home where they lit a candle, burned some incense and performed a couple of incantations."

    I have a text of that incantation:

    ROMO, LOBO, MAJORDOMO… EYE OF NEWT AND WART OF HOG, WHEN THE BIG GAME COMES, MAY TONY LAY A LOG…

    The scorned singer-and-actress hopes the meeting will also taint the sportsman's career, and is waiting in readiness for his next match on Sept. 13, against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

    Meanwhile, Jessica has reportedly been cozying up to football star Colt Brennan - a Washington Redskins quarterback and sporting rival of Tony's.

    "Sporting rival"? I now have no doubt that this report was written by a British person. But I digress. The point is that Simpson, a girl raised in Dallas, is now reportedly going OUT OF HER WAY to ruin your dreams once more, Cowboy fans. This woman is a menace and must be stopped. I suggest placing a COUNTERHEX ON HER. That’s right. Counter hexes (nee backsies) totally work and will finally turn Simpson’s black, big-breasted magic against her. Chant with me now.

    JESSICA, ASHLEE, BRONX MOWGLI, FALL OUT BOY. EYE OF CAT AND BAT’S FRESH WING, AIN’T NO WAY THAT GIRL WILL SING.