This Week in Schadenfreude: Clemson Wants to Lock Up the Rock

scha·den·freu·de
/ˈʃɑd
nˌfrɔɪ
/
-noun
satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

[Origin: 1890-95; < G, equiv. to Schaden harm + Freude joy
]

On This Week In Schadenfreude we explore the sputtering rage, gibbering condemnation, and resigned ennui of the college football fan who has recently undergone humiliating defeat. Because even in your darkest hour, someone else is suffering too, and probably worse than you. Unless you are a Michigan fan who has just finished watching the Appalachian State game.

Welcome to the 2008 season, unless you're the ACC, in which case welcome to twelve months before the 2009 season. Picking a winner for this year's first Tears of Unfathomable Sadness award -- given to the team whose ineptness causes the most spittle-flecked, veiny, red-faced reaction -- was touring the wrecked national championship hopes of said conference.

East Carolina may be a far less respectable foe to lose to, but the fashion in which Clemson took the pipe was ignominious and only unexpected because usually Tommy Bowden lets everyone get their hopes up before imploding spectacularly. Naturally, Clemson fans want to kibosh one of college football's keystone traditions:

Congratulations, Clemson! Your tears are so yummy and sweet. If you can't win on the field you can at least win on the FanHouse.

Sports Connection

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More from the week in abbreviated honeymoons after the jump.

BIG TEN

Michigan's first foray into spread mania went pretty okay thanks to a generous Utah returner. He muffed the first of what's sure to be an avalanche of Zoltan Mesko punts, and Michigan capitalized with a short touchdown pass to freshman Michael Shaw. The rest of it? Not so much.

This guy has decided it's his hat's fault:



That act is unlikely to turn Nick Sheridan and Steven Threet into Terrelle Pryor, unfortunately.

Only the insane have already thrown in the towel on Rich Rodriguez, but this in the internet, where sanity and spelling are always in short supply:

all [sic] i [sic] will say is that this gay [sic] has got to go. we [sic] what [sic] a coach that knows what michigan [sic] football is all about. boycot [sic] games until the school feels the money from empty seats [logical sic] going away and gets ride [sic] of this man.

Good to see the commenters on Yahoo are just as awesome as they are here on the good old Fanhouse. Welcome to the club, Mr. Hinton! You'll come to love them and will not concoct elaborate, unworkable schemes to explode their computers with your ferret army.

I do not have a ferret army, for the record, and I have no idea what sort of small weaselly animal is currently parachuting into your front yard with a pair of pliers and evil intent, FanHouse commenter guy.

PAC 10

There's not a whole lot of despair in the Pac 10 this week since most games went according to plan, but when that plan is devised by Tyrone Willingham and you're a long-suffering Washington fan, it's time to snap.

A sampling of hypothetical questions for Ty offered by the Washington Scout site:
  • Coach.....what have you been doing the last nine months?
  • Coach.....what have you been doing the last four years?
  • Did the closed practices indeed serve the intended purpose of surprise? Because it sure looked like you were surprised.
  • Is there another coach in America who could get less out of Jake Locker?

  • Do you feel guilty about accepting $1.5M for the results you've garnered?
  • Now we see understand why practices are closed to the public. Don't you think that all home games should be closed to the public as well?
Cue the cackling from South Bend right... about... now.

SEC

Nothing untoward has happened to Tennessee yet, but TWIS would like to single out normally excellent Vol blog Rocky Top Talk for dishonorable mention.

Gentlemen, what's with the voice of reason?

The easiest thing to do right now is to point fingers and to lay blame; we did exactly that when the Vols had such a rough start. But the team doesn't need another critic right now. That's what the coaches are for, and the coaches know what needs fixed. Trust them. Rather than criticize, support. Let the team know you're behind them.

Trust the coaches? Refrain from criticism? Don't dole out blame? That's downright communist. What about the first amendment, man? America: love it or leave it.

If anyone listened to you this feature would be full of enlightened discussions filled with a sense of perspective. It would also suck. Boo, Rocky Top Talk. Boo.

No one listen to these charlatans.

BIG EAST

Syracuse 10, Northwestern 30, crying child:



Lather, rinse repeat.


Meanwhile, various idiots had Pittsburgh one of this year's breakout teams despite Dave Wannstedt's persistent inability to display any sort of coaching acumen. Pitt Blather keeps it mostly on the level, but does level a damning paragraph or two:

This Pitt team came out and faded. They showed no heart, no pride and no clue. They seemed unprepared to actually battle for an entire game. They were a complete disappointment.

Just one problem:

With 4:43 left in the game, and another blown offensive series, there were sporadic chants breaking out in the stands of "Fire Wannstedt!" That was unexpected.

Chants of "Fire Wannstedt" can never be unexpected except insofar as they follow the hiring of Wannstedt.

BIG TWELVE

Texas A&M has a new coach. Texas A&M just lost to Arkansas State. Texas A&M's new coach no longer has a honeymoon period (word censored for those prone to swoon):

Initial thoughts: Eat a d---, Sherman

So... that's totally reasonable. That blog later calls Sherman "Little Shermaid," to further emphasize their opinion that this guy in his first game at this school has proven himself to be a eunuch in serious need of testicles in whatever way he can manage to acquire them.

ACC

Do we have to single out specific teams? We do? Okay, take it away, Virginia Tech:

Obviously I was wrong about Sean Glennon being anything better than a toaster oven at the quarterback positiion. What a f---ing loser. You suck. You played 5 f---ing years and you throw the most bush league interceptions against a school who doesn't have the same talent level as highschool team. What the f--- do you do to prepare? You cannot read coverage and you aren't even trusted to make your own audibles. Do us all a favor and quit the team.

That man lives on pure rageohol. At least it's tagged "drunk." It is also unnecessarily tagged "pissed off."

Aw, hell, let's go back to Clemson just for this line courtesy The Sporting Gnomes:

I feel like Ewan McGregor in trainspotting when he went into withdrawal and saw dead babies on the ceiling.

This doesn't make any sense, but you mention dead babies in conjunction with your football team and you get in TWIS. This is an iron law.

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