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Weekend Watch List: FIREWORKS EXPLODIN’!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home this weekend and wish America a Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday, US of A! Two hundred thirty-four years of good livin’ and we STILL haven’t been hit by a meteor! We rule! LET’S GO!

WIMBLEDON: WOMEN’S FINALS – 9:00AM Saturday (NBC) It’s Serena Williams time again, as the top ranked women’s tennis superstar takes a break from shilling really ugly jewelry on HSN to casually destroy everyone on the court. If Serena beats evil Russian Vera Zvonareva (who is almost certainly a KGB operative and carrying some kind of dangerous microfilm on her person), it will be her second consecutive Wimbledon title, her fourth Wimbledon title overall and her 13th major title overall. Good gravy. Bust out the strawberries and cream (always sounds dirty) and settle in to watch our girl make some history abroad. The men’s final follows on Sunday morning. ANTICIPATION: BABY GOT BACKHAND

AMERICA CELEBRATES JULY 4TH AT FORD’S THEATER – 9:00PM Tonight (ABC) Join Ty Burrell of “Modern Family” as he hosts Kelly Clarkson, Lionel Ritchie, Dick Van Dyke, the cast of Broadway’s “Mary Poppins” and a seemingly endless and random list of additional people -- including Lassie, Bela Lugosi, Joan of Ark, Heathcliff the Cat, the “I love you, man!” guy from the old Bud Light ads, Moses and perhaps Ben Vereen. ANTICIPATION: BIZARRE!

MACY’S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR – 9:00PM Sunday (NBC) You have three options for televised fireworks on Sunday night. You can go for PBS’ “Capital Fourth,” which is hosted (as always) by Jimmy Smits. That one’s good because you get the 1812 Overture and real cannons firing BLAMMO!!! Or you can go for CBS’ Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular (see below). Or you can opt for the New York celebration on NBC, featuring Leann Rimes both singing and stealing your boyfriend, Enrique Iglesias, and… BIEBER? BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER! OMG BIEBER! HIS HAIR COULD DEFEAT THE BRITISH ALL OVER AGAIN! WE LOVE YOU, BIEBER! And not only do you get Bieber, you also get… THE CAST OF TWILIGHT! GAHHHHH! TWILIGHT AND BIEBER AND WHAT IF BIEBER WERE A VAMPIRE TOO THAT WOULD BE SOOOO DREAMY! So yeah, there’s that. ANTICIPATION: BIEBER!

BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR – 10:00PM Sunday (CBS) Hosted by Craig Ferguson this year, because nothing emphasizes America’s independence like a dude who hails from a country that’s still colonized by England. ANTICIPATION: KILTY!

BEHIND THE MUSIC: JENNIFER LOPEZ – 9:00PM Sunday (VH1) Or, in the case of J-Lo, “Behind the Behind.” And really, I’d say Jennifer Lopez’ career has deservedly reached this juncture. Is there anyone else here that wishes she never bothered to try and become a singer? She was doing so well as just a straight actress lady. Then she cut a record and it was all downhill from there. I WISH SHE HAD NO MUSIC TO BE BEHIND. ANTICIPATION: BEHIND!

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