A stun gun.
By now, you know the story of Larry McKelvey, the Cowboys fan who defended his team's honor by shocking the holy heck out of three Jets fans in the Meadowlands on Sunday night. But now, McKelvey's son, a New York DJ who goes by the handle Charlamagne Tha God (technically, Charlamagne was actually an emperor, but I digress), explained why his dad flew off the handle.
The New York Daily News reports a group of Gang Green fans disapproved when McKelvey failed to stand for the national anthem and talked on his cell phone during a moment of silence for 9/11 victims. The 59-year-old said "I did what I had to do." He claims he's not a "criminal" and was just protecting himself.
McKelvey's son, a New York radio deejay, told the newspaper it's against his Jehovah Witness father's religious beliefs to stand for the national anthem.
I love that it's apparently against McKelvey's beliefs to stand for the anthem, but perfectly within his religious beliefs to assault three people with a stun gun. I respect people's rights to not stand for the anthem. I get it. It's not your thing. So be it. But to talk on your phone during "Taps"? I'm sorry, but you earned your dose of profane Jets fan scorn for that. I don't think there's anything in McKelvey's religion that plainly states that moments of silence are to be ignored so that you can call your buddy Fred.
When big stadium fights happen like this (and they seem to be happening more lately, don't they?), you can bet that both parties involved acted in a boorish, uncivilized manner. I'm sure the Jets fans that McKelvey shocked had some unpleasant things to say about him, or perhaps about his momma. The problem is, that kind of razzing doesn't entitle you to whip out a freakin' stun gun that you sneaked into the stadium and use it on your persecutors. You didn't "have" to do that. Trust me. That was not your only possible route of action. Only the cops get to resort to the shocking option. You, Joe Citizen, don't have that luxury. I don't trust anyone who openly cites their religious beliefs after doing something any rational person would know is wrong.
These stadium dustups are becoming more common, likely because people are spending lots of money in a bad economy to see their team, which makes them feel entitled to be horrible to one another. McKelvey may have claimed self-defense, but that's hardly comforting, and it does little to dispel the idea that you're better off staying at home these days.