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Hey, It’s A Glandular Problem!

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Oh, now this is just mean. Web site Bleacher Report has compiled a list of the 10 fattest coaches in football, a list that includes coaches both active and inactive. And, alas, your Cowboys head coach Wade “Chokozuna” Phillips made the cut. Here was the site’s list, in no particular order:

    Wade Phillips
    Mark Mangino
    Ralph Friedgen
    Charlie Weis
    Phillip Fulmer
    Andy Reid
    Dennis Green
    Romeo Crennel
    Tom Cable
    Bill Parcells

    I find any list such as this to be invalid without the inclusion of Rex Ryan and Mike Holmgren. From eyeballing all 10 candidates, I’d put Wade in the bottom half of this group in terms of weight. Mangino is obviously the fattest coach of the bunch. Friedgen, Weis, Reid, and Parcells are all fatter than Wade, I believe. And Denny Green yoyos like Oprah, so you never know where Denny will end up clocking on the weigh station scale.

    This has not been a very kind year to fat coaches. Mangino, Weis, and Friedgen could all be fired today, if not sooner. Reid ordered the dumbest onside kick in history Sunday. And just this year, a reader wrote in to ESPN’s Bill Simmons and established a rule that fat coaches cannot win the Super Bowl:

    I've been noticing for years that fat coaches can't win a Super Bowl for whatever reason… It's hard to even find a fat coach who loses the Super Bowl. This decade, it's only been Andy Reid (who lost more Conference title games than anyone). Rex Ryan is trying to break the mold, but it's early. He will have to eventually beat a Mike Tomlin, or Ken Whisenhunt type, and the history is clear on the outcomes. Of Super Bowl champs since 1976 (Madden), only Mike Holmgren tilted the scale slightly over the Fat Coach threshold, and compared to his jowls after he went to Seattle, he was positively svelte in '97.

    Oh, man. AND THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE TOO! All those cookies and plates of carved beef Wellington. Get this man some TrimSpa immediately.