Tuesday Watch List: Knights! Pirates! Ebert!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV that may be worth postponing finishing that novel of yours. Like anyone’s gonna read THAT thing. LET’S GO!

OPRAH WINFREY SHOW (Syndicated, check local listings)

Today is Oprah’s long-awaited sitdown with film critic and fellow Chicagoan Roger Ebert, who lost the ability to speak, eat, and drink after multiple cancer surgeries. Ebert will demonstrate a new computer program that allows him to speak through a computer in a voice that his resembles his own. The voice was created from combing through hours upon hours of film commentary Ebert did before he lost his voice. The results are almost certain to have you reaching for your tissue box. ANTICIPATION: COULD GET EMOTIONAL


Tonight, it’s the Top 10 female performers left. Watch in awe as classics are butchered and high notes fail to be reached. I demand that any singer who uses hand gestures to mimic their vocal fluctuations be canned and then caned. ANTICIPATION: COULD GET UGLY


Tonight’s episode is titled “Sundown.” WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Does this mean someone will be killed? Does this mean they finally get out of the temple? What deadly choice must Sayid make? Who shot JFK? IS THERE LIFE IN OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS? ANTICIPATION: COULD GET CONFUSING


If the Olympics have left you yearning to see hosts sitting in front of fireplaces, look no further. Tonight, Masterpiece Theater presents the story of a killer who is obsessed with song. Few people know this, but Charles Manson was a HUGE fan of Sondheim. ANTICIPATION: COULD GET SWEENEY TODDISH


Tonight, the age-old question is answered: who wins in a fight between a knight and a pirate? Well, it depends. Are we talking about Somali pirates, who have machine guns and motorized watercraft? Or are we talking about swishy old school pirates who drink rum and have peg legs? IT MATTERS. ANTICIPATION: COULD GET ARRRRRRGGGGGHUMENTATIVE

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