For 364 days a year, all that matters is what kind of music YOU like. But on Sunday, when the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards show comes on, it is the opinion of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States that counts.
We crunched the numbers, evaluated the contenders and channeled the academy's decision-making process to figure out who will win and who will be left sitting there in the audience, trying to hide their shame, rage and disappointment. Here's what we came up with for the Record of the Year category:
The Breakdown: Beyonce was nominated in the Song of the Year category for her “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”, and that’s where Jay-Z’s ball and chain is more likely to win. “Single Ladies” is a better song, and it had that awesome video where Beyonce is, like, dancing and stuff. Also, Beyonce does her best work when she does the whole booty shaking female power anthem thing. “Halo” is a midtempo ballad in which the singer says the title word roughly seven zillion times to hide the fact that the song doesn’t have an actual hook in the chorus. Beyonce will win a Grammy on Sunday night, just not here. VERDICT: Loser
”I Gotta Feeling,” by the Black Eyed Peas
The Breakdown: Wait, this isn’t “I Gotta Feeling (Just Nineteen)” by the Eagles of Death Metal? Raw deal. Written specifically to appear in any number of Smirnoff Ice ads, this song may score points with Grammy voters who like their hip hop to not sound like actual hip hop. Also, they may be unable to resist Fergie in a thong in the accompanying video. The Peas are shrewd like that. VERDICT: Loser
”Use Somebody,” by Kings of Leon
The Breakdown:Kings of Leon will be rewarded at some point on Sunday night for a year in which they finally broke through and became enormous mainstream rock stars. Also, this appears to be a rare year in which the Grammy voters decided to not nominate something U2 recorded two years ago, so they’ve got that going for them. I think this song is more likely to end up taking home gold in other categories. VERDICT: Loser
”You Belong With Me,” by Taylor Swift
The Breakdown: Swift is likely to take home lots of trophies on Sunday Night, as she continues her successful run of being the nice girl that Kanye West interrupted. But you listen to this song and tell me if some 60-year old Grammy voter who thinks Herbie Hancock counts as “edgy” will vote for “You Belong With Me,” a song that was clearly written for people 12 and under. I say no. Stupid grownups ruin EVERYTHING. VERDICT: Loser
”Poker Face,” by Lady Gaga
The Breakdown: I’d be interested to see Gaga win, just to see if she’ll take the stage dressed as one of the Martians from the old “Martian Chronicles” series. Many Grammy voters may also confuse Gaga with Pink, which may or may not help her. I’m not sure yet. Of all the nominees listed here, this song has the best chorus. I also award points to any song that has the line, “Baby, when it’s love, if it’s not rough it isn’t fun.” Lady Gaga, come get your trophy, you big weirdo. VERDICT: WINNER!