Every week from now on, we’ll profile potential replacements for Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips, should he be fired by the end of the season (Why make us wait so long, Jerry?). Today, it’s Marty Schottenheimer!
Name: Martin Edward Schottenheimer. Same middle name as Mike Shanahan. COINCIDENCE?! Actually, yes. Probably.
Career Record: 200-126
Dude, isn’t Marty a little old for this gig? How dare you, you callous ageist. I’ll run you down with my Rascal and give you a stern caning.
Credentials: In 21 seasons as a head coach in the NFL, Marty has had a grand total of TWO losing seasons. That’s it. He’s taken three different teams to the playoffs a grand total of 13 times. And his most impressive coaching season may have come in DC, where he led the Skins to an 8-8 record after starting 0-5 and being forced to start Jeff George at quarterback. He engineered a rather miraculous turnaround of the Chargers in his short stint there, taking them from also-ran to a team that is now considered one of the most talented in the NFL on a yearly basis. Say what you will about MartyBall, the man has a knack for righting ships.
Also, did you know that Schottenheimer has a more impressive coaching tree than Bill Belichick? It’s true! The following head coaches have served under Marty: Bill Cowher, Tony Dungy, Mike Tomlin, Ken Whisenhunt, and Lovie Smith. Super Bowl appearances for all of them. The man knows how to put a good staff together.
Schottenheimer is the kind of coach you bring in after a player’s coach has lost control of the locker room and let his team become a sloppy, undisciplined wreck. Sound familiar to you these days?
Weaknesses: Oh, I think you know this about Marty all too well -- 13 playoff seasons. Zero Super Bowl appearances. Putting Marty and Tony Romo together could potentially turn the Cowboys into some sort of giant choking machine, capable of folding at levels previously unknown to the football world. Marty’s penchant for going ultra conservative in big moments is legendary. Don’t like passes to Sam Hurd at the goal line? Wait till you see Marty’s 100-page pamphlet of “surprise” fullback dives.
In addition, Marty isn’t exactly the type to mesh well with the Double J. He was fired from San Diego after losing a power struggle with GM AJ Smith. He was fired from the Redskins after owner Danny “Tinkerbell” Snyder decided that turning football authority over to someone else was something he’d rather not do. And thank goodness for that, right Skins fans?!
Odds Of Being Named The Next Cowboys Coach: 40/1. Marty is old, but that’s not really an issue given that this team is designed to win NOW, in theory. He could be the instant shot of law and order that everyone from Romo on down needs. No more penalties. No more turnovers. No more idiocy. It’s quite the alluring package until you get to the divisional round of the playoffs with a 13-3 record only to see it all go up in flames. You folks know that kind of agony all too well already.
Do You Want Him?: Only you know for sure. Let us know in the comments.