The Odds Of Michael Vick Ending Up A Cowboy

Now that Roger Goodell has handed down his tentative five-week suspension of Michael Vick, the parlor game of trying to figure out where Vick will land has begun in earnest. It’s a fun game to play, because anyone’s idiotic theory is just as valid as anyone else’s (“Cleveland needs a playmaker!”). Furthermore, speculating about where Vick will finally end up is a far more gratifying exercise than eventually having to watch him try and place a ball within a ten-yard radius of any open receiver.

Early speculation has included teams like Oakland. Because, naturally, Oakland is a town where ex-convicts feel completely at home. Then there’s Washington, where the signing of any player causes Skins fans to predict an immediate return to glory. And Vick has experience training dogs, something Dan Snyder must like, given his masterful job housebreaking Vinny Cerrato. Then there’s Minnesota, which will happily accept the services of any quarterback currently not on their roster. Then there are the TO-to-Buffalo style wild cards, like Jacksonville and Green Bay.

And what of Dallas? Well, the Double J is already on record as saying he doesn’t want Vick. Playing quarterback, at least…

"I want to be real clear in that I like where we are at quarterback," Jerry said when asked about Vick. "That's it. I just like where we are. I don't want to move where we are at quarterback."

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That’s all well and good, but there isn’t any team right now in the NFL that’s going to hire Vick expressly to be their quarterback. His new role is clearly going to be in a team’s Wildcat package. The last thing you want if you hire Michael Vick is to have to rely on him throwing the ball, because he sucks at that. The teams that can really use him, from a football perspective, are ones that could take advantage of his speed to provide the occasional offensive wrinkle. So when the Double J says he likes where the team is at QB, that’s practically irrelevant to whether or not he wants Vick. If you parse his words even further, you see that he never said, “I will not sign Vick.” MY SPECULATION IS IRONCLAD.

This was the offseason where Jerry Jones supposedly decided to avoid empty calorie, big name free agents. There were no Pacman or TO signings to be had. But that doesn’t mean Jones doesn’t still feel the occasional urge to glam things up. Vick is an interesting case because, despite his big name, he could potentially hinder ticket sales due to the gruesome nature of his crimes. So the financial incentive to bring him in is low.

If Jones were to sign him, it wouldn’t be to sell tickets at the fancy new stadium. It would strictly be because the team has started out in a hole and needs some kind of offensive boost. Given the ease of the early schedule, that’s unlikely. But it’s not impossible. Jones desperately wants this season to be a success, and he’s proven in the past that he’ll do anything in order to try and achieve that goal, even against sound logic. So let’s call it a ten to one shot. They say it’s unlikely. But that’s what they said to Vick when they told him Sweet Jasmine couldn’t take down Zippy in the Octagon! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, I TELL YOU!

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