The Bears Are The New Cowboys? NOT ON THE DOUBLE J'S WATCH!

USA Today has two sports bloggers named Reid Cherner and Tom Weir. Peep their page! One of them is wearing a tie AND holding a basketball! That’s krayzee! Anyway, Thursday Weir had the gall to predict that the Chicago Bears, of all teams, would supplant the Cowboys this year as the biggest soap opera in the NFL. Weir believes this is because Brian Urlacher hates Jay Cutler for coming in and assuming command of the team’s locker room with his highly charismatic blend of frowning and muttering.

The Chicago Bears haven't even begun training camp practices and already there are signs they will supplant the Dallas Cowboys as the NFL's best soap opera. Brian Urlacher is on record as denying he called Jay Cutler a word that's a euphemism for, among other things, a cat.

The word Weir refers to there, of course, is “Tabby”. Because Jay Cutler is such a HUGE tabby. Big, wet, gaping tabby, that guy.

But what won't be funny for the Bears is if this matter lingers, and Cutler and Urlacher become the new T.O. and Tony Romo show.

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The new TO and Romo show? Uh-uh. Ich don’t think so. If there’s one thing we all know about the Cowboys, it’s that Jerry Jones will never allow some other team, much less the Bears, to seize the Cowboys’ ruby-encrusted tiara as the reigning media darlings of the NFL landscape.

The Double J may be happy to lose a game or two, but he’ll be damned if Ed Werder leaves his post at Valley Ranch and flies to Chicago to cover some two-bit power struggle between mopey Jay Cutler and the dude from the Old Spice ads. That’s not gonna fly. His boys are STARS! STARS, I TELL YOU! What will Jerry do to get back his precious spotlight? I think I have a few ideas.

1. Hire the puppy killer
2. Upload all team plane orgies to Ustream
3. Have Tony Romo date someone with even larger breasts than Jessica Simpson, possibly Coach Phillips
4. Dine al fresco with Brett Favre, alert Rachel Nichols while she hides behind very large flower pot
5. Bring Michael Irvin out of retirement, stock his locker with fresh scissors
6. Hire Emmitt Smith as team spokesman. “Mr. Jones is very pleased with this team’s newfound majority.”
7. Call Marion Barber a Tabby. Yours in the comments.

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