Six Fearless, Hopeless Predictions For Sunday's Season Finale At Philly

1.) In the third quarter, a squirrel will run onto Lincoln Financial Field. He will dart this way and that, and eventually end up on the Eagles’ sidelines, where Michael Vick, who is sidelined with a strained quad, will accidentally step on it. PETA members will be pissed.

2.) One Eagles’ fan will try to throw quarterback and Texas A&M product Stephen McGee off his game by shouting Aggie jokes at him. McGee will stare at the man blankly.

3.) After suggesting that Michael Vick should be executed for his dog-fighting crimes, pundit and apparent crazy man Tucker Carlson will go on to demand mandatory minimum sentences for people who sell drugs to house cats.

4.) Dismayed by another loss to the hated Eagles, a local Cowboys fan will rent “Invincible” from Blockbuster and fast-forward to the part where Vince Papale gets absolutely blasted on a kick return, by a member of the Cowboys. “Suck it Philly!” he’ll exclaim as Mark Wahlberg hits the turf.

5.) After stumbling through a time warp, Benjamin Franklin will make an appearance at Sunday’s game. Eagles’ fans will mistake him for a cheap imitation, however, and pelt the founding father with snowballs and rocks.

6.) On Sunday, I’ll be disappointed with the play of the Cowboys, but very thrilled after being informed that I’d won a Pulitzer Prize for my work on this blog--at least, that’s what I’ll tell the ladies at the bar on Sunday night. All the same, they’ll be surprisingly unimpressed by my story.

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