The University of Florida may be wishing it could travel back in time and reconsider awarding U.S. Rep. Corrine Brown two advanced degrees after video of her congratulatory speech to the BCS Champion Gators hit the Internet, lest they become confused with a Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.
According to the official House Record, the speech was succinct, factual, and spoken clearly in the English language common in the American political arena. What actually transpired broke the time, space, and grammatical tense continuum (this is what your 8th grade teacher always warned about, and why basements are stocked with canned food). If there's one thing we can't shy away from, it's a governmental records cover up.
Rep. Brown (we're sure she's lovely, really) dressed appropriately for the role in a crazy orange silk cocoon. Upon taking the floor of the House, she proceeded to make mincemeat of sentences, the word "offense," and reading comprehension in general. Players and "Curch Urban Meyers" were "gratulated" on their "BSC" bowl victory and subjected to a hearty "Go, Gator!" (isn't this a team sport?). Speedster Percy "Harvey" was singled out for his "gustly" performance. Of UF's quarterback Tim Tebow, Ms. Brown opined: "It is matters the most the pressure he was under." Seriously, Brown has been an elected official since 1982. She can read, right?
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To the gentlewoman from Florida, we concede the floor forever in the interests of hilarity, but we will not concede our education system.
Janie Campbell is a Florida native who believes in the pro-set and ballpark hot dogs. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the internet.