It may not air until September 19, but Comedy Central's roast of Charlie Sheen went down this weekend, and we've got a sneak peek at what you can expect.
Live, semi-nude models (painted white to resemble Grecian "goddess" statues) greeted attendees before the man of the hour arrived with an uncharacteristic air of calm before two hours of skewering.
Asked why he volunteered to be roasted, outside of what late night hosts, the blogosphere and everyone around the watercooler was already saying, Sheen, looking thin but better than recent YouTube videos might have you believe, shrugged, "I don't know. To give you something to do on a Saturday night."
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When Roast Master Seth Macfarlane was questioned whether this was the right time to make light of someone so obviously in a dark and destructive spiral, he quickly replied, "No! In fact it's probably the worst possible time. We should get him help first. In fact, let's not do this. Let's all go home," before heading into the theater where Sheen would be lampooned.
Roasters included a lackluster Jon Lovitz, an utterly out-of-her-element Kate Walsh ("Why are you here?" MacFarlane asked repeatedly, taking the words out of our mouth), Steve-O, who was nervous and overly rehearsed, a no-name comic whose big joke of the night was, "Charlie, the only reason you got on TV is because God hates Michael J. Fox," Jeffrey Ross, dressed as Muammar Gaddafi, who asked, "How do you roast a meltdown?" and Mike Tyson, who provided the majority of the evening's comedy, be it intentional or inadvertent.
On the red carpet, Tyson admitted, "I feel an affinity with [Charlie]. I've been there too. But imagine if your life was under a microscope. What people would see?" before calling Sheen a "wife-beating, cokehead" during the Roast, in one of the worst incidents of Pot vs. Kettle in recent memory.
While there was an abundance of homophobic, racist and otherwise tasteless humor—which comedian Patrice O'Neal went off-script to memorably and admirably address at the end of the night—what else would you expect at an event where both Ron Jeremy and Joe Francis were in attendance (which, on the heels of seeing "Contagion," was particularly unnerving) and Sheen's ex-wife Brooke Mueller showed up, looking out of it, scanned the red carpet and slurred, "Where's 'Extra'? 'Extra' is like my family"? How sad Thanksgiving at her house must be.
At the end of the night, after hours of others celebrating his unabashed self-destruction, Sheen stepped up to the mic and growled, "I come out unscathed. You can't hurt me. Hell, I can't even hurt me. Drugs couldn't kill me. Sex couldn't kill me. The press couldn't kill me. 'Two and a Half Men' couldn't kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to kill me? I'm done with the winning cause I've already won. This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen. In here burns an internal fire—I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe."
Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen will air on September 19 at 10pm, right after the new season of "Two and a Half Men" premieres with a funeral for Sheen's character and the introduction of Ashton Kutcher's.