Atheist Group Offers Post-Rapture Pet Care

Fee nonrefundable, just in case

by Bruce Felps

So, we’re about T-minus four days, one hour, and 15 minutes from the prophesied Rapture (as of this writing).

You’re good. Your faith tells you you’ll be spirited up to Heaven leaving the non-believers on Earth to suffer the trials of Tribulation.

But what about the dog and cat? Those food cans aren’t going to open themselves and that lack of an opposable thumb means the canines and felines need someone to look after them until they regain their hunting skills.

A group called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers just the ticket.

They’re atheists, so they plan to be around after Saturday’s Rapture occurs at 5 p.m. CDT. For a mere $135, $20 each additional pet — due in advance, naturally — they will pick up the pooch and care for him or her after you’ve been swept up.

Oh, and in case the prophesy turns out to be off by, oh, a millennium or two, or you have an overblown sense of your own piety and get left behind with the rest of the sinners, sorry, no refunds.

The good news, though, is the offer holds for 10 years after payment in case the prophesy is off by only a decade, and what’s a decade when, according to prophesy, “a day will be as a thousand years”?

Bruce Felps owns and operates East Dallas Times, an online community news outlet serving the White Rock Lake area. He’s thinking “Rapture” was a Blondie song, wasn’t it? And kind of a silly one at that.

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