Mrs. Obama Sometimes Fails as a Cover Girl

The measure of a First Lady lies not in her ability to promote unobjectionable causes such as books or wildflowers or vegetables or children or whatever. Nor does it lie in her ability to throw fun parties or charm world leaders or persuade her husband to bomb or not bomb certain places. No, a First Lady's success or failure depends on her ability to sell magazines.

Magazines, as you know, are America's last thriving media industry, and the sole information source for millions of citizens without access to such rarified communications vessels as televisions, newspapers, or the Internet. This is why a First Lady must ensure that a maximum number of celebrity and gossip magazines reach a maximum number of readers: for democracy, and Freedom.

Michelle Obama has proven less than awesome at this very important task. Sometimes when she's on the cover of a magazine, it sells pretty well. Other times, not so much. Why, it's as if some people decide to buy magazines due to non-Michelle-Obama-based factors, such as their content, or whether they offer valuable sex tips.

But the bottom line is this: Mrs. Obama might be a snappy dresser, but it takes a lot more than cute cardigans to sell magazines. If she's going to do her part as an American, she'll start adopting orphans or do a guest stint on The Hills, the beloved reality show about doomed idiots who make out with each other. Either of these choices would make Michelle Obama more appealing to the general magazine-buying public, and would help her rescue the magazine industry and indeed the whole nation.

Media analyst and cover model Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.