Chrissy Teigen said she has "learned a whollllle lot" about cancel culture in the past two months.
The cookbook author took to Instagram on July 14 to express that she's at a loss for words as she tries to move past recent bully allegations against her.
"Iiiii don't really know what to say here...just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel like utter s--t in real life," Teigen, 35, wrote alongside a pic of herself on the couch. "Going outside sucks and doesn't feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race."
In May, she apologized to Courtney Stodden over an offensive tweet from 2011, saying she was "ashamed and completely embarrassed" about her past behavior. After a month away from social media, she returned in June with a lengthy Medium article to reflect on her actions. "Not a day, not a single moment has passed where I haven't felt the crushing weight of regret for the things I've said in the past," she wrote in part.
According to her new Instagram post, Teigen has realized that the way "I'm handling this now isn't the right answer."
So, she decided to get candid about mental health challenges she has faced in recent weeks to share what she's been going through, writing, "I feel lost and need to find my place again, I need to snap out of this, I desperately wanna communicate with you guys instead of pretending everything is okay. I'm not used to any other way!!"
The former model, who has been posting pictures of her family vacation to Italy lately, went on to speak about why "Cancel club is a fascinating thing." She reflected, "Only a few understand it and it's impossible to know til you're in it," adding that it's "hard" to talk about what she is going through without sounding "whiney," especially "when you've clearly done something wrong."
She's come to the conclusion that "It just sucks. There is no winning." As she shared with her 34 million followers, "All I know is I love you guys, I miss you guys, and I just needed an honest moment with you because I'm just...tired of being sick with myself all day."
Although she's prepared to "get brutally picked apart," she said she "can't do this silent s--t anymore!"
The same day that Teigen apologized over Medium, fashion designer Michael Costello came forward with additional allegations against her. He said she accused him of "being a racist" in 2014 and tried to effectively blacklist him. "She told me that my career was over and that all my doors will be shut from there on," he wrote on Instagram, saying it led him to be "traumatized, depressed and have thoughts of suicide."
Costello posted unverified screenshots that allegedly showed the pair's Instagram DMs.
However, Teigen's team told Business Insider just days later that the screenshots Costello shared were fake, pointing to inconsistencies in Instagram formatting and an old profile photo of her. Costello's rep then told E! News that Teigen "remains the same bully, despite her public apology."
Teigen later addressed Costello directly, tweeting on June 18, "you are now causing actual pain to people who are trying to better themselves. Enough. Or this WILL go further. Not here, but an actual court of law. And every dime we win will go to an anti bullying charity focused on turning this s--t show into a positive." She tried to disprove his alleged DMs by posting her own alleged screenshots, which showed their innocuous DM history.
Husband John Legend also came to her defense at the time. "Chrissy apologized for her public tweets, but after her apology, Mr. Costello fabricated a DM exchange between them," the Grammy winner tweeted. "This exchange was made up, completely fake, never happened."
Legend reflected, "I encourage everyone who breathlessly spread this lie to keep the same energy when they correct the record."
Teigen posted a statement that was written on her behalf, reiterating that she apologized for public tweets she has made and stating she has never "conspired" with anyone to harm Costello's career. Read the full statement here.