To: Scott Crisp, Dallas Cowboys Blogger for NBCDFW.com
Subject: Your Lowly Cowboys
Dear Scott,
My beloved Bears are traveling down to Dallas this weekend to face your Cowboys. Sure, your team went to the playoffs last season, a party we haven't been to since the 2006 season. I'm just writing to say we ain't scared, homie.
Let's talk about your city and your team. We don't care about your big TV, your crazy owner or your big blue star. Whatever you think you can do, please know that Chicago can do it much better.
Your crime rate went down? Ours went down more. Dallas City Hall officials were corrupt? We laugh at your corruption. Try stepping up to the Chi. We have one ex-governor sitting in jail, and another one is set to join him there.
Beat THAT. Your Hall-of-Fame running back has the record for most yards rushing? Remember not only who he took it from, but that Walter Payton earned his record in far fewer games, and with a terrible offensive line and quarterback for the early days of his career. Think your boy Emmitt could have done it at all without pretty boy Troy?
Chicago's owning of Dallas will continue this Sunday at noon. See you there.
Sincerely,
Maggie Hendricks, The Grizzly Detail
Proudly Born and Bred in the City that Works
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Dear Maggie,
As a Dallasite who lived with a native Chicagoan throughout the 2009 football season, I’d like to begin by saying, sorry. That was pretty miserable, even for someone who has no stake in the comings or goings of your beloved Bears. Jay Cutler comes to town, the city is abuzz on Bears spirit and warm PBRs, all eyes on the Lombardi Trophy--only to be thoroughly whipped by those damned Packers in week one, setting a standard of mediocrity which would last all season.
Remember in the Karate Kid, when the Cobra Kai are beating the hell out of Daniel LaRusso outside of the big Halloween dance? And the one Cobra goes up to the ringleader and says something like “Come on Johnny, he’s had enough!” I felt like delivering a similar plea to the Pack that Sunday evening last year, as my roommate sipped his beer dolefully, a single tear streaming down his cheek.
You see Maggie, I have no quarrel with the City of Chicago.
Day drinking; greasy foods; wind; Al Capone; hating Jay Marrioti--I’m quite fond of all of these things. And, being a Southern Gentleman, I’ll refrain from bringing up those four turnovers last week, or the fact that you would have lost--to the Lions--had it not been for an unnecessarily vague caveat in the rulebook. But when your Bears come into Dallas on Sunday, it’s going to be an unambiguous, gloves-off beatdown a la Cobra Kai, the only difference being that Mr. Miagi won’t be there to save you.
Love,
Scott
P.S. Why does Michael Jordan have a Hitler mustache in those new Hanes commercials? Just wondering.
Dear Scott,
True, last season was miserable, but as a kind, Midwestern lady, I feel as if I must apologize, as well. So sorry that your January was ruined by our NFC North brethrenemies, the Vikings. I'm quite sorry that your dreams of victory and that aforementioned Lombardi Trophy slipped out of Tony Romo's hands. Though, I guess the football slipping out of his hands is really the root of the problem. Is that why Jess and Carrie Underwood dumped him?
Luckily for Chicago, our QB is a bit more lucky in love. His lady starred in TWO different MTV reality shows. Luck is a thing that must come with being a Chicagoan. We may have won that game Sunday with a little bit o'luck. What was the 'boys excuse against the Redskins?
The Cobra Kai is an apt metaphor for the Cowboys. Lots of bluster, an over-zealous fanbase, a leader who needs to be institutionalized. Just like in the All-Valley Championships, it is the underdog who will emerge the winner. Bears fans will drink their cold Goose Islands (PBR? I'm not sure I believe that your roommate is truly a Chicagoan) from the keg of glory, and Cowboys fans will be left to sit on the floor and cry.
With much love,
Maggie
P.S. I know, right? We have no idea. It's pretty creepy, and we'd really love to see him shave it.
Maggie,
Indeed, these are painful memories. It’s like, everything’s going so well and then, boom, it’s all over. And it’s all the more agonizing when you’ve actually won your division and reached the playoffs. You may not remember what I’m speaking of, but keep on trucking, you’ll get there one day.
As for your boy Jay’s new lady, some congrats are in order. I mean, she’s no Audrina, but a peach nonetheless.
The Cowboys are doing alright, too. Miles Austin, of course, is dating not only one of the Kardashians, but the best Kardashian. Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford, a former Miss Missouri who may be hotter than Jess or Carrie. Seriously. Check her out. In any case, we in Dallas have learned that reality stars in the stands do not championship seasons make, with the exception of the aforementioned Kardashians (see: 2009 Saints, '08-'09, '09-'10 Lakers--it's science.)
In that vein, and as a gesture of friendship, we’ll gladly purchase a pink no. 6 jersey for Kristen, if she has designs on coming this way Sunday. Considering what DeMarcus Ware and Anthony Spencer have in store for her new boy-toy, this may not be a good idea--but the offer’s on the table regardless, and we’d love to see her out.
Ah, but back to the metaphor. Perhaps, considering our recent history of falling short of expectations, the Cobra Kai is an apt metaphor for our ‘Boys. But that doesn’t necessarily make your Bears the young and tenacious Daniel; more like one of the nameless and hapless combatants who are summarily disposed of during the montage--long before we do battle with Daniel for the affections of Elisabeth Shue.
Which is to say, your chances on Sunday are as shady as your smirking politicians.
Warmest Regards,
Scott
