Maryland to Slaughter Fat Mute Swans

They had it coming

By JIM NEWELL
|  Wednesday, Jun 10, 2009  |  Updated 7:33 AM CDT
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Maryland to Slaughter Fat Mute Swans

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Where do you think you're going, fatty?

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Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They're very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones... well they are not so pretty and must be killed immediately, says the state Department of Natural Resources.

DNR Secretary John Griffin "accepted the report of a task force on the swans" on Monday and is "unfortunately compelled" to "continue population control efforts on the fewer than 500 birds still living on the Chesapeake Bay and its tributaries."

What exactly are these population control efforts for these, the dumbest of swans?

"That means shooting adults or snapping their necks, and coating eggs with vegetable oil to suffocate embryos."

WELL THEN.

But you must understand how terrible these swans are! They don't make any sounds of course -- except to "hiss, snort or grunt if annoyed" -- and then they sneak up on all the good food, undetected, and eat several platefuls of it, like jerks.

Biologists say adult swans eat up to 8 pounds of underwater grasses daily, eliminating critical vegetation that filters bay water and controls erosion. Ornithologists complain that the non-native swans push native birds such as least terns, black ducks and tundra swans out of nesting areas.

We'll see how "hungry" these insane feathered hogs are when... when they have vegetable oil all over their babies and snapped necks.

Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.

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