Drew Magary writes sports commentary for Deadspin, Maxim, GQ and is the author of "The Postmortal."
Ah, Super Bowl Media Day. Why, you can practically smell the contempt! The players hate it. The serious media hates it. The jokey media people who have to ask intentionally dumb questions while the serious media stares daggers at them hates it. EVERYONE hates Media Day! Everyone agrees that it's a pointless waste of time that produces absolutely nothing of import.
So why does the NFL continue to stage one every year? I don't know. Tradition?
Anyway, expect Tom Brady and Eli Manning and the rest to get peppered with inane questions all day long and respond with equally inane answers. I wish I could be there to ask everyone a few pointed and downright hostile questions. Here's what I'd ask:
QUESTION FOR BILL BELICHICK:
Coach, I think I left my wallet in my hotel room. Can you check your worldwide surveillance feed to confirm? GOTCHA.
QUESTIONS FOR CHAD OCHOCINCO:
You know you don't belong here, right?
No, seriously. I haven't seen carpetbagging like this since Hilary Clinton wore a Yankees hat. Even Junior Seau is ashamed of you.
Would you like to watch the game at my house? You'll have an equal impact on the outcome watching from there.
QUESTIONS FOR TOM BRADY:
You don't smell anything like I thought you would. How come?
Can you settle a bet for me? My friend bet me five dollars that you had a personality. Can you just start talking so I can prove him wrong?
QUESTIONS FOR ELI MANNING:
OMG! Look at you! The last time I saw you, I think it was at your mom's cocktail party, and you were only THIS BIG! And look at you now! So big and strong and handsome! Are you in college?!
Can you just say Peyton's better so we can end the charade?
In fact, let's talk about Peyton's future, because you and I both know that's more interesting than anything you're going to say. What if he went to the Redskins? That would be nutty!
QUESTION FOR JAKE BALLARD:
I had to pick you up in fantasy this season and you weren't particularly useful. Can you be more like Gronk the next time?
QUESTION FOR TOM COUGHLIN:
Do you find the foibles of every other NFC East coach as hilarious as we do?
QUESTION FOR KEVIN GILBRIDE:
There will be a moment in this game when the Giants need a yard. Now, I know you already plan on running a toss sweep to Brandon Jacobs in that situation. Can I just tell you in advance that that play will lose forty yards?
QUESTION FOR JOSH MCDANIELS:
If you win on Sunday, do you get a full Super Bowl ring? Or do you only get a ruby baguette for your troubles?
Who do you hope Bill Belichick cuts two days after you win?