Hoss Rustled

Allen Wranglers mascot held hostage

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Commentary
    by Bruce Felps

    Drew Pearson definitely should be in the Dallas Cowboys Ring of Honor if not the NFL Hall of Fame.

    Another move or two like this one, though, and he’ll earn enshrinement into the Publicity Stunt Remember Our Name Hall of Fame.

    Pearson now serves as general manager of the Allen Wranglers franchise, part of the Indoor Football League. He’s leading the organization through a tragic, sad time of its brief existence.

    Hoss, the newly named team mascot, fell victim Wednesday to a rustler or rustlers. The victim, risking the wrath and branding iron of his kidnappers, bravely managed to sneak a phone call to his boss.

    "He said he'd been kidnapped and he'd try to call me later," Pearson said in a PR, sorry, press release. "I could barely hear a thing. I knew he wasn't lying when they found his boots outside of the Allen Event Center. Hoss would never leave his boots lying around like that.”

    The local constabulary, headed by lead investigator, Allen police Officer Garrett Courtney — who just ever so coincidentally happens to be the team’s kicker, rounded up the usual suspects, Biscuit, the Allen Americans mascot; and Cow, from Chik-fil-a.

    "I am going to do everything in my power to find Hoss before our first game," Courtney said gallantly, heroically even, in the same release. "We can't suit up without him there."

    Hoss, during his covert call to Pearson, left a cryptic message about checking the Wranglers’ Facebook page for clues. Whoever — whomever? — deciphers the code and safely brings Hoss back to the team will be rewarded with two season tickets.

    Damn it, it worked. There, Mr. Pearson, there’s your accursed publicity.


    Bruce Felps owns and operates East Dallas Times, an online community news outlet serving the White Rock Lake area. He wonders if something can be clever and cheesy at the same time. He’s definitely one and certainly not the other.