Up until now, everything having to do with Super Bowl XLV has been fun and games. We're about to learn just how well we all deal with a crisis, however.
The strip clubs in Dallas, Arlington and elsewhere in the area are suffering from a serious shortage in dancers to fill the demand they expect to have when football fans flood the area for the big game. John Walsh, proprietor of Showtime Cabaret, told TMZ that he normally has 50 girls working in his club. He wants to hire an additional 120-150 for next week, though, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Walsh believes that the 60 clubs around the area will need to hire 10,000 additional strippers to satisfy the urges trucked into town from all corners of our country. Maybe we can work out some kind of trade agreement with Charlie Sheen now that he's out of action for a little while?
Arlington expects to have in the neighborhood of 300,000 visitors descending on the area for Super Bowl week. If this strip club Sputnik moment is a success and 10,000 dancers do start plying their trade in the vicinity, we will be witness to a truly magnificent demographic moment. Assuming that not all of those 300,000 people are going to partake in the entertainment provided by Walsh and his brethren, as well as the existing number of strippers in town, we are going to be somewhere in the neighborhood of a 23:1 customer-to-stripper ratio.
That's astounding. It really says something about America that we can get that kind of ratio for our strip clubs but that we struggle to have elementary school classrooms that can approach that kind of student-teacher ratio.
Perhaps that's the wrong take on things. Maybe all of the dollars trickling down from g-strings will be the thing to jolt our economy back to life, to say nothing of the boom times that will come to the spray tan industry and those who water down drinks sold at the clubs in question. The nation's unemployment number will freefall and, thanks to the brave strippers, it will be morning in America once again.