Dallas County District Attorney Susan Hawk spoke exclusively with NBC 5 on Wednesday, and for the first time, publicly addressed the "major depressive disorder" that led her to contemplate resigning and committing suicide.
In a joint interview with our media partner, The Dallas Morning News, Hawk talked in depth about her suicidal thoughts, depression treatment and past prescription drug use.
"I knew I didn't want to be here anymore. I thought enough about my job, and my job has always been such a big part of me, that I wanted to the right way for there. So, you know, I thought I'll resign and then I will just, I'll kill myself," Hawk said. "Then it was a feeling of peace that came over me, like there was a solution."
Hawk said she drove to home of her best friend and political consultant, Mari Woodlief, to resign from the DA's office.
"She (Woodlief) said, 'I'm not going to do it, what's going on?' And I said, 'I don't want to live.' She said, 'You want to live because you came over here,'" Hawk recalled.
Woodlief convinced Hawk to get help and drove her to the Menninger Clinic in Houston the next day.
Local
The latest news from around North Texas.
"When I got there I thought, 'What have I done?' And you know I walked in and the door shuts behind you and that's it, you're there," Hawk said. "What happened to me is I had anxiety for so long that it just, it's just such a slippery slope that I dove right into a deep depression," Hawk continues. "This is something that has been happening all my life. I've just learned different ways to mask."
Hawk said treatment included intense therapy.
"The first week I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't look at anybody. My biggest fear was someone's going to come up and ask me what I did for a living. I would see someone and be like, 'Please don't ask me what I do for a living," she said.
Hawk said therapy took a toll and at one point she pleaded with a nurse.
"I said, 'Let me go. I'm going to kill myself anyway, so whether I do it here or at home, at least let me go home,'" she said.
But Hawk said eventually treatment helped. It was the first thing that worked in a long time, she recalled.
"Having a new job, I got divorced, I mean, the whole rehab story broke. All those things just kind of piled on top of each other and I just kept going. I would just to go work and muscle through and push through and never deal with all that. You can only do that for so long until you just break," Hawk said.
When asked if her divorce was the final straw, Hawk said, "I think that was part of it. It was hurtful, painful, as divorces are. I think it was that, coupled with not feeling like I was being the best that I could be. The more I felt bad, the more I felt like a failure. The more I felt like a failure, the further I got down in the hole."
And asked whether she worried about the public perception about why she was gone for nine weeks, and if she's capable to handle the job of DA, Hawk had the following to say.
"First and foremost, I know that I am. I'm more than capable to do this job, and I was elected to do this job and of course I care what the public thinks," Hawk said.
She said if she didn't think she could get better, she would have resigned.
And she said there is 22-page medical plan in place.
"Right now I see a psychologist twice a week. I have to take medication, an anti-depressant. And I am maintaining that. I see a psychiatrist," Hawk said.
When asked how she feels, Hawk said, "I feel great. I feel more than confident. Better than ever. I can honestly say that. Better than ever."
Hawk returned to work last week. She said she's ready to handle any crisis, but some have questioned her time as district attorney.
"I think I was [a good DA before seeking treatment]. I made good decisions and was a good DA. I think that I could be a lot better," Hawk said.
Hawk said she does not regret some of the controversial firings in her office and said she won't revisit rehiring those positions.
When asked if she regret some of the lies told to the media and public about her absence, Hawk said, "You know, I regret a lot of things that have happened, and as far as I was not aware of the lies that were happening."
While in treatment, Hawk said at first, no one felt comfortable talking to the public about her medical condition.
"I'm sorry for that, I'm really sorry for that," she said.
Hawk said she hopes the public will support her in her role as DA.
"I hope so. I am a public servant, and I've always been and I know now that I will be the best DA that I could ever be," she said.
Sarah Mervosh of The Dallas Morning News contributed to this article. You can read her article at dallasnews.com and in Thursday's edition of The Dallas Morning News.
