Help Wanted for Short Role

Job fair seeks Santa’s helpers; pixies need not apply

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    NEWSLETTERS

    New Line Home Entertainment
    Elves of all sizes welcome to apply.

    Economic experts tell us the Great Recession is over, well, maybe except for that unemployment thing … that’s a little bit pesky.

    There is a way to break the cycle of unemployment, though, and it takes place from 11 a.m.-3 p.m., Oct. 16, during the job fair at Bass Pro Shops in Grapevine.

    Like all jobs, these require certain skill-sets. Applicants should look presentable, if not downright stunning, in tight green-and-red-horizontal-striped leggings. They should break out the smooth footwork in green, curly-up-toed slippers, and cast a dashing figure topped with a floppy hat with a bell or two adorning the chapeau.

    Extra consideration given to applicants who speak in helium-high voices.

    Pixies, fairies — or faeries, if you prefer, and what’s the difference? — ogres, and satyrs need not apply. Bass Pro shops need elves, specifically elves who are subservient to one particular Alpha Elf.

    Now, get on down there and get that job. And remember, be confident, look the interviewer in the eye, present a firm handshake, and speak in a clear, squeaky-pitched voice.

    Good luck.

    Bruce Felps owns and operates East Dallas Times, an online community news outlet serving the White Rock Lake area. He portrayed the big-man elf one year. It was not pretty. Ho, effin’, ho.