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Monday Watch List: The Fall TV Season Officially Begins

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify SEVEN things on TV to watch while you stay at home and make caramel apples, then eat all the caramel off the outside of the apple without touching the actual fruit part. LET’S GO!

DANCING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) Holy underwear, it’s premiere night. Never thought I’d live to see the day. Tonight, there’s new programming across all four majors networks all night long, starting with the return of ABC’s hit reality competition. Your new contestants this go around are The Situation, Audrina Patridge and Audrina Patridge’s implants, The Hoff, Carol Brady, former Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner and Bristol Palin. ANTICIPATION: DANCEY!

HOUSE – 8:00PM (FOX) The season premiere features House and Cuddy as an official item, which is either going to give this series a shot of energy, or drag it down to the core of the Earth. The latter might be a wise bet. Careful what you wish for, Huddymaniacs. Not sure you really want to see these two get all huddly with one another. ANTICIPATION: HUDDINESS!

THE EVENT – 9:00PM (NBC), CHASE – 10:00PM (NBC) Every new NBC series this fall sounds like it was conceived in a brainstorming meeting between six executives and an intern. “People like event television, LET’S CALL ONE SHOW THE EVENT! And what about chases? People like those, right? Let’s have a show called CHASE!” Of course, I kid NBC because I love it. “The Event” is going to be a big serialized drama that requires a bit of a commitment on your part, but at least someone is still trying to carry the “Lost” torch. Also, the grumpy lady with crutches from “ER” is on this show, only she can walk now. It’s a miracle! And “Chase” features an attractive US marshal hunting down fugitives. She’s just like Tommy Lee Jones, except I don’t want to kiss Tommy Lee Jones. ANTICIPATION: EVENTY!

LONE STAR – 9:00PM (FOX) FOX’s new soap is a drama about a dude who has two identities and two really smoking hot ladies he’s juggling. I was stuck on a delayed JetBlue flight a couple weeks ago and all the empty seats showed a preview of this on their TV screens. I was not impressed. Though there was some full backal nudity, which goes a long way in my book. ANTICIPATION: TEXAN!

MIKE & MOLLY – 9:30PM (CBS) “Two & A Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre unveils this new sitcom about two fat cops who meet cute at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Will there be fat jokes? Oh, there will be fat jokes. ANTICIPATION: DONUTS!

HAWAII FIVE-O – 10:00PM (CBS) Of all the new shows out there, you’ll be stunned to learn that this reboot is among many critics’ favorites. Perhaps they have a dormant childhood adoration of Jack Lord. Anyway, CBS has taken that old hit, kept the theme song, added more gunplay, and given it a hot cast. Wise moves all around. And Scott Caan is here to make you larf. CAAAAAAAAN! ANTICIPATION: ALOHA, BEEYOTCH!

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