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Your Blue Star Guide To Surviving The Inevitable Cowboys December Collapse

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Well, that arrived right on schedule, didn’t it? Your Dallas Cowboys blew a 10-0 lead against the Giants Sunday and lost, and now stand tied for the division lead with the Eagles at 8-4. Hmm… 8-4. Where do I remember that record from? Oh yes, that was the Cowboys record after Week 13 LAST year, after which they went 1-3 and promptly slumped down into the gutter. And what do you know? The Cowboys find themselves in the exact same position this year, with four eminently losable games right on the horizon and a red-hot Eagles team sneaking up on them.

    Look, I think we all know how this is going to play out. 8-3 becomes 8-8 or 9-7 so very easily. You’re used to such things at this point, people of Dallas. Now, you can go pulling out your hair and cursing the Double J and going to church and yelling to the heavens WHY GOD? WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO?! But really, where will that get you?

    Cowboy fans, I hereby propose an alternative for you. As it stands now, the Cowboys are 8-4 and are on top of the division. Not a bad season if it were to end today. So let’s do that. Let’s declare the season over and tune out the rest of December.

    Wouldn’t that be for the best? Do you really want to be watching when your beloved Cowboys drop the next two games to San Diego and New Orleans and then face a must-win game at FedEx against a suddenly frisky Redskins outfit? I don’t think you do. No, I think it would be much smarter of you now to tune out and avoid any of this ugliness. Here now, briefly, is a short list of things you can do this December instead of watching the Cowboys spiral down the toilet.

    Go For A Walk: Ah, that crisp December air. It’s so nice, isn’t it? Sometimes, it’s a welcome release to get out of house, walk around the neighborhood, and NOT WATCH MARION BARBER FUMBLE THE BALL AT THE EXACT WRONG TIME GOD HOW COULD THE BARBARIAN LET YOU DOWN LIKE THAT?!

    Take Up Baking: A reader sent me this recipe for Monster Cookies, which are a mashup of Peanut butter cookies, M&M cookies, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. So how nice that is? Cookies will never let you down. Cookies will never wimp out on tackling Brandon Jacobs and LETTING HIM RUN DOWN THE FIELD FOR 74 YARDS LIKE A RHINO ON THE LOOSE GAHHHHHH!!!

    Knit: Scoff if you want. But there’s something soothing about busting out the crochet needles and knitting a lovely pair of mittens for the dog. It’s a soothing, repetitive exercise, much better than SEEING DALLAS BLOW A GAME IN WHICH ELI MANNING WENT 11-25. HOW THE HELL DO YOU LOSE A GAME LIKE THAT? I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!!

    Make Love: See, now there’s a worthy pursuit. Who’s gonna turn down sex for watching the Cowboys at this point? Sex is great. It feels terrific. And your partner is so warm and soft. It’s nice. It’s nothing like SEEING STUPID WADE ON THE SIDELINES IN HIS PUFFY JACKET, LOOKING LIKE THE DUMBEST KID IN THIRD GRADE WHO WET HIS SNOWPANTS BECAUSE HE GOT HIT WITH A SNOWBALL IN THE FACE BECAUSE HE HAS NO SENSE OF AWARENESS!

    These are just suggestions, of course. You could travel. You could take to writing. You could go on a five-state killing spree. And really, wouldn’t that be better than witnessing what’s about to happen? I think it is.