Congratulations, Jason Garrett! You’ve just been named permanent head coach of the Dallas Cowboys! Or, at least, you will be very soon. As soon as Jerry Jones can get the NFL to not fine him $250,000 for making a thirty-second phone call to Ray Sherman while disguising himself as a census worker to fulfill the Rooney Rule. After that, THE JOB IS YOURS.
And what a job! This isn’t just any head coaching job you’ve landed. It’s the Dallas Cowboys head coaching job. If there were a head coach of head coaches, this would be that job. It’s like being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, only without the secret animal sacrifice rituals. It’s the most coveted head coaching job in the world. Men have fallen all over themselves for the chance at this gig. Men like Bill Cow… uh… Jon Grud… uh… well, my friend Andy REALLY wanted to coach this team one point. So you’ve got him beat.
You’ll be following in the footsteps of such coaching legends as Dave Campo, Chan Gailey, Wade Phillips, and the bloated, lifeless corpse of Bill Parcells. Quite the bloodline. You’ll have your portrait commissioned and placed in the generic Dallas steakhouse of your choice. Now, it’s not all glory and fun, mind you. With this job comes great responsibility. In fact, here now are the guidelines for your job as outlined by the Cowboys employee manual:
1. Win the Super Bowl
2. Do not NOT win the Super Bowl
3. When Jerry signs Randy Moss in the second week of the preseason, act like it was a group decision.
4. TONY ROMO IS A STAR! DO YOU HEAR ME? HE IS A STAR AND HE MOVES MAGAZINES AND WE’LL START HIM FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS TO WIN A SUPER BOWL IF WE HAVE TO!
5. You are not to come out of your feeding cubby during Draft Day.
6. After you’ve won the Super Bowl, win six more. But don’t do it so emphatically that you end up somehow getting all the credit. The real visionary is the dude who hired you, you know.
So there you have it. I don’t think those are unreasonable expectations, do you? Now, the Double J has moved up the timetable on this just a bit. Do you think you can get this all done by May? No? YOU’RE FIRED.