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Tony Romo Is Not Your Ken Doll: Tabloid Musings

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    NEWSLETTERS

    There’s a ton of new fallout today from the thankfully defunct romance of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson, nee “Romessica.” First off, Showbiz Spy is reporting that Romo broke up with Simpson after she literally tried to make him dress up as a Ken doll for her birthday party.

    “Jessica, a supposedly mature 29-year-old woman, kept flitting around her Dallas Cowboys super-jock squealing like a little girl, saying, ‘It’ll be so much fun, honey. All my friends are coming, and we’ll all be dressed up like dolls. And you’ll be my ken!’” a source told American tabloid the National Enquirer. “Jess totally missed what any woman with half a brain could see — Tony was rolling his eyes like he desperately wanted timeout. There was no way Tony was going to dress up like a Ken doll. He never would have lived it down. His teammates would have roasted him to death. “But sadly, Jess just didn’t get it!”

    The questionable sourcing through the Enquirer can't affect the larger point: Good audible by Romo there on the dollblock. First of all, any girl that throws herself a birthday party AND makes it a costume party is nothing but big-breasted trouble. That’s just an indisputable fact.

    Second, Tony is far too openly heterosexual to pull off a convincing Ken impression. Everyone knows Ken is a repressed homosexual straight out of the “Far From Heaven” playbook. But Us Magazine reports that Romo isn’t exactly Mr. Innocent in all this. In fact, the magazine accuses Romo of having an emotional affair with a woman named Natalie Smith.

    I don’t know what an emotional affair entails. I assume it involves getting together to eat Crunch-n-Munch and watch “The Notebook,” or something to that effect. Us reports that Romo and Smith flirted (OMG!), exchanged randy text messages (OMFG!), and held secret meetings (ZOMFG!). As a result, they’ve driven Simpson to get drunk in public with her sister, and to post deeply pointless messages on her Twitter feed:

    That Danny Glover sure can act.

    So, to sum up: Ken dolls, flirty texts, drinking, and Danny Glover. Cowboy fans, you should be very, very happy this relationship ended before training camp started.