Twitter. It bothers you. You thought it was going to flame out by now. You really did. You thought it would as barren and ghosttowned as MySpace at this point, populated solely by sexual predators and investigative reporters disguising themselves as naïve youths in order to entrap sexual predators.
But it hasn’t gone away. It has continued to grow. Thrive. Blossom. Like some kind of digital herpes across the cyberscape. More people seem to be joining it, which only makes you want to dig in your heels and resist it all the more.
People, you need not fear Twitter. It’s not here to destroy you. It is here to help you. It is here to connect you with the rest of the world, and possibly the occasional video of an Egyptian man who can bend coins with his eye sockets. But if you still are loathe to dip your toe into the Twitter pool, we are here to help. It’s time once again to bust out my Marty B-to-English dictionary and explain to you the numerous tweets of Cowboys tight end and juicy trade bait Martellus Bennett. Let’s dive in, shall we? All translations are EXACT.
Ha the bengals tried to trade for me?ochocinco Marty b woulda been a ruckus. I love being a cowboy tho this is home I love this team.
“Myself and Chad Johnson nee Ochocinco? Together on a single team? Oh, the mind races at the thought! Seriously though, I love Dallas and my PR person told me to tell you I love backing up Jason Witten.”
@BrinaTheModel u stupid
“Brina, you lack intelligence.”
Follow @arinicolelife she's a hottie guys and she single but if u try a F with her I will get u. But follow her anyways hahaha
“You fellow tweeters out there should follow Ari Nicole. She is very attractive. But do not court her ire, or else I will cause you great distress. But follow her despite those risks. I AM LAUGHING!”
@darealTinaT I'm jus really fly hahahaha
“Tina, I am attractive! AND LAUGHING HEARTILY!”
Jus saw law abiding citizen. Bravo. Nx up is couples retreat starts in 15 mins movie nite with the misses and @shaudmoney
“I enjoy awful films!”
@jasonbell1 who the f--k r u? Shut up and talk about facts ahole. Ignorant
“Jason Bell, I do not know who you are, and you are not in a position to question my motives! Be quiet! No wait! Talk! But only about true things! You are a jerk! An IGNORANT jerk!”