It’s that time of week. Time to man up and make your pick for Monday’s game. Get it right, and you’ll be able to flitter about the online message boards proclaiming yourself prince of prognosticating. LOOK AT ME! I’M A FOOTBALL WIZARD WITH A SUPPLE REMOTE WRIST! Get it wrong, and you’ll happily declare the outcome an utter fluke, and that if three things had happened during the game that never did, your pick totally would have been right. Here are our picks, plus picks from across the rest of the media.
Scott Crisp: 31-27 Dallas. “Carolina will be hell-bent on avoiding an 0-3 record, but then, so was Tennessee.”
Josh Alper: Absent. Alper was at the Cambodian massage parlor today and refused to answer his cell phone. Let’s just pick Dallas for him.
Bill Simmons: Panthers +9. “This line is absolutely absurd. Five points too high.” Of course it is, Bill. The entire Las Vegas gambling industry calibrates lines incorrectly and should defer to you on all such matters, even though picking lines is based on predicting how people will bet and not HOW THE GAME WILL TURN OUT, YOU JACKASS.
Peter King: Cowboys 33, Panthers 24. “I've had enough of this get-rid-of-Tony Romo crap. It's ridiculous. This team lost to the Giants for many reasons, only one of which was Romo's three turnovers.” Wouldn’t three picks make THREE reasons they lost?
91% Of SI Users: Cowboys.
All Ten ESPN Experts Except Eric Allen: Cowboys. What’s the matter, Eric? TOO LAME TO JOIN THE REST OF US?!
Michael Silver: Cowboys.
92% Of Yahoo! Users: Cowboys.
Pete Prisco (CBS): Panthers. Prisco was 6-9 last week. SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW, BUCKO!
Chris Berman: Brett Favre 32, Panthers and Cowboys 8.
Andy (Cowboys fan I know): Cowboys 56, Panthers F- (“Jake throws at least eight picks. Then he’s benched for Weinke. Weinke still plays for them, right? Weinke blows.”)
Index Card I Threw Up In The Air With The Name Of Each Team On Either Side, Seeing Which Team Would Land Face Up: Cowboys.
Me: Both teams have embattled QB’s. Both teams have excellent running back committees. Both teams have struggling defenses. Both teams have fat, ruddy-complexioned head coaches. Ah, but only one team has an owner who will blow up the earth and heavens if his team doesn’t win its second game in his new stadium. The power of Jerry compels me… Cowboys 42, Panthers 14.
Yours in the comments. Get ready, folks. We’re getting free green beans tonight.