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Six Fearless and Hopeless Predictions For Sunday

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Six Fearless and Hopeless Predictions For Sunday

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LANDOVER - SEPTEMBER 12: The Dallas Cowboys offense huddles during the NFL season opener against the Washington Redskins at FedExField on September 12, 2010 in Landover, Maryland. The Redskins defeated the Cowboys 13-7. (Photo by Larry French/Getty Images)

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*Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo will go 44-47 passing for 463 yards and four touchdowns. Afterward, he will be seen at a driving range, prompting Cowboys fans to demand his release, because “he is not focused on football.”

*After a convincing Cowboys victory, an eccentric scientist named Klaus Rheinhold will come forward, saying that 28 years ago, he engineered a cyborg to be the perfect linebacker--a real quarterback-killer. This cyborg’s name? DeMarcus Ware. The competition committee will hold an emergency meeting to decide if NFL rules prohibit cyborgs from playing. Offensive coordinators and quarterbacks everywhere will exclaim, “I knew it!”

*Down ten, with thirty seconds left in the first half, Jason Garrett will call for a Hail Mary. Everyone on the sidelines will look at him as though he’s stupid or crazy or both. Then, Garrett will smile and yell, “Gotcha!” Wade Phillips will laugh, and Garrett will call a harmless flea flicker for a guy who’s never attempted an NFL pass, resulting in a not-so-harmless pick six.

*Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler’s girlfriend, Kristin Cavallari of “the Hills”, will attend the game. But--Uh-oh!--Lauren is there with Brody! Jealous, Kristin will drink a $14 margarita off Brody’s stomach, then exchange meaningful facial expressions with Lauren as an acoustic guitar riff perfectly describes the situation. Cutler will look oblivious because, well, he always looks oblivious.

*David Buehler will nail an NFL-record 82 yard field goal. Not satisfied with his show of strength, he will bench press Rowdy’s four-wheeler and challenge Sylvester Stallone to an arm wrestling contest.

*For no good reason, Jerry Jones will send me a check for $5,000. I’ll open up the check and smile, and say, “Well gosh, thanks Jerry!”

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