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Six Fearless, Hopeless Predictions For Week Six in Minnesota

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Six Fearless, Hopeless Predictions For Week Six in Minnesota

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*After the game, Brett Favre will tearfully announce his retirement, and state his intention to become the spokesman for Crocs. ESPN will devote a six-hour special to this move, colorfully titled: "Stergered! The Brett Favre Story." The climax of the story, obviously, will be footage of Favre getting dosed in the groin with a football.

*Despite a late lead of 27 points, the Dallas Cowboys will continue passing through the fourth quarter, drawing the ire of some of the Vikings. Vikes’ head coach Brad Childress will be one of those angered and, when asked of the irony of the situation, will reply, “Yeah, but when we did it, it was funny.”

*After scoring a touchdown, the Dallas Cowboys will break into an extravagant, choreographed dance, not unlike those seen in Westside Story. However, Marc Colombo will forget his steps, which, due to a caveat in the NFL rulebook, is grounds for ejection from the game. Wade Phillips will be overheard afterwards yelling at the right tackle: “Dammit, Colombo! It’s turn, step, pivot, turn, step! Not turn, step, pivot, turn, turn!”

*With the offensive line struggling, Jerry Jones will notice a familiar face in the crowd. “Wait,” he’ll say. “Is that... Larry Allen?” Allen will finish the nine hot dogs he’s simultaneously eating, bench press a Nissan, come into the game and dominate. We’ll smile brightly because, well, Larry Allen’s awesome.

*Attending the game Sunday will be a real-life viking, who was frozen in a block of ice for 900-odd years before being thawed by a local teenager and enrolled in high school. The viking and his new friends will teach each other about the true meaning of friendship, and at the end, Sean Astin will get to kiss the hot girl. In related news, shortly after making this prediction, someone will accuse me of merely reciting the plot of “Encino Man,” only with a viking instead of a caveman.

*The morning after the game, Brett Favre will un-retire and rejoin the Vikings. ESPN will devote a nine-hour special to this development, accurately titled, “Honestly, Who Cares Anymore: The Brett Favre Story.”

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