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Six Fearless, Hopeless Predictions For Monday Night Vs. New York

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    NEWSLETTERS

    *Wade Phillips will guide the Cowboys to a 34-3 loss, spill nacho cheese on himself during the game, and accidentally run over Jerry Jones’ dog. Afterward, Jerry will reaffirm that Wade is the man to lead his team.

    *Outside linebacker Anthony Spencer will be flagged for a helmet-to-helmet hit against the Giants’ Mario Manningham. Seemingly from nowhere, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ James Harrison will barge onto the field and scream, “That’s preposterous!” and then retire. The next day, he will unretire.

    *Hank Williams, Jr., or Bocephus if you will, will ask us, “Are you ready for some football?!” We will say, “Uh, yeah, why not.”

    *In the third quarter of Monday night’s game, the field at Cowboys Stadium will be besieged by malevolent dinosaurs. Jerry Jones will reveal afterward that it was his fault, that he was in the process of adding a “Jurassic Park” style theme park to his stadium. “We’re trying to create a fan atmosphere here that’s unforgettable,” he’ll explain, grinning. “With dinosaurs.”

    *Before the game, someone will try to explain Chaos Theory to Eli Manning. Manning will look really confused. Then, his head will explode.

    *Instead of cheering on the sidelines of Cowboys Stadium, as they normally do, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders will choose to come and cheer and jiggle about in my apartment on Monday night. It will make watching this Cowboys team almost bearable.

     

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