A stunning development from last night in the Twitterverse. The Cowboys’ own Martellus Bennett has changed his Twitter handle from Marty B to Jupiter’s Crunch. I also see that Marty B has discovered the wonders of Apple’s Photo Booth program and now has an avatar photo of himself closing resembling that of Bushwick Bill.
I support Marty B changing his nickname for the online world. As you know, we are now trapped in the Dead Ball Era of sports nicknaming. On Monday, someone emailed me and referred to Terence Newman as T-New. Guhhhhhh. This is unacceptable. Thanks to Twitter and hotel room peephole cameras, we know far more about famous sports figures than we ever have, knowledge that can be put to good use for nicknaming purposes. Yet what do we end up with? T-New. Or Smash, Dash, and Tash. No thanks. Marion the Barbarian already had a great nickname. Let’s not sully it.
To that end, I have endeavored to give as many probable starters on the current Cowboys roster a proper nickname for the upcoming season. And none of this punny Chris Berman jackassery. I’m talking REAL nicknames, that you can use. Trust me on this one, I have a track record of creating nicknames that stick. Here we go…
Miles "Jaguar" Austin: Because he’s always in the shop.
Patrick "Crayfish" Crayton: Why Crayfish, sir? (burps) Why not?
Roy "Tip Jar" Williams
Jon "God Boy" Kitna
Flozell "The Hotel" Adams: I don’t mess with perfection.
Marc "Stapp" Colombo
Andre " The Welcome Mat" Gurode
Leonard "Black Beauty" Davis
Kyle "Questionable" Kosier
Felix "The Razor" Jones: Because he cuts so quickly, you see. Also plays off his college team’s mascot.
Igor Olshansky: No nickname. You just have to pronounce his first name EYE-gore.
Martellus "Private Joker" Bennett: “What have we got here, a f--king comedian? Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and f--k my sister.”
Terence "Piggyback" Newman
Mike "The Third Mike" Jenkins: Because he was born in Nuremberg. Every Cowboys’ roster needs a Hitler reference.
Ken "Skullcracker" Hamlin
Alan "Six Feet Under" Ball: “Successful gay TV producer” also acceptable.
Bobby "Karen" Carpenter
Keith "The Falconer" Brooking: Ooooh, Donald!
DeMarcus "DeMonster" Ware
Steve "The Ocho" Octavien
Marcus "Oops! He Sacked You Again" Spears: “Oops” for short.
Junior "iHog" Siavii
Jay "Way Cool Jr." Ratliff
Mat "Vegemite" McBriar
Nick "Folkwhore" Folk
Jerry "The Double J" Jones
Wade "Goner" Phillips
You’ll notice I left Tony Romo out of this little exercise. And that’s because my boy ROMO is a STAR! And stars don’t need nicknames! YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!
Besides, he already has a great nickname.