Despite all the media hype, the fact remains that Twitter - the microblogging service favored by athletes, politicians, actors, and other people who can’t write in paragraph form – is still an unknown entity to many people out there. They don’t know what it is. They don’t know what it’s for. They don’t know why anyone would want to use it. They think it’s a touch fey.
Well, fear not, technophobes. As a blogger who has spent his entire life without ever having produced an original thought, I understand the language and nuances of Twitter posts better than your average great aunt. So when other people direct you to Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett’s Twitter feed, and you can’t make heads or tails of it, I am here to decipher such ornate codices. Let’s do a few sample translations.
Do u get a handicap sticker for being mentally handicap
“If one were of unsound mind, would that merit a DMV-approved handicapped license plate? “
When I was in hs I was ihops walk out bandit lol
“When I was a mischievous young tenth grader, sometimes I would eat at the International House of Pancakes and then leave without paying the tab. This memory makes me laugh!”
How many of yall have ran out on a check b4? Lmao
“Have any of you ever indulged in similar shenanigans as precocious young rapscallions? This makes me laugh!”
@NurseFAB u n dallas
“Hello, Nurse who is fabulous. I am replying to you via the AT symbol. Are you currently in the city in which I also reside?”
@suademusic fa show
“For sure, suademusic!”
“I am laughing, Isaiah Stanback!”
@iheartbrooke good good feeling like 8 bucks in a crackheads hand. U?
“I feel very good, Brooke! Much like a drug addict who has just gotten enough money to buy more drugs!”
@iheartbrooke mmmm I feel ya. I mite go full retard later
“I think I might get drunk at some point this evening, Brooke!”
Obviously, it will take you n00bs (that means newbies!) a while to get the hang of it. But that’s okay. We’ll keep doing it all season long, or until Marty B decides to start paying for hotcakes.