Name: Duane Charles Parcells. I think the fact that Parcells refuses to go by his given name is a sign of a deep-seated insecurity that manifests itself when the coach spends all day mocking his own players while wearing shorts that are clearly too small for his frame.
Career Record: 172-130-1
Credentials: Two-time Super Bowl winner. Three-time conference champion. Parcells has led four different NFL teams to the playoffs, including your Dallas Cowboys. He has left every team he’s coached in better shape than when he arrived on the scene, though this is the part where I note that Parcells hasn’t actually won a title in two decades.
Obviously, you remember Parcells was already the coach of this team for four years (2002 – 2006). In many ways, the core of this team still bears his fingerprints. Romo. Barber. Miles Austin. DeMarcus Ware. Those guys are all remnants of the Parcells Era. In fact, you could argue that this team was only in a position to do well the past four years because of the foundation Parcells laid down. Have Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips done anything in the years since to build on what Parcells did here? Not particularly.
Parcells has never gone back to coach the same team twice, but I have to think that Jerry Jones is at least pondering the idea. Much of the current Cowboys coaching staff was assembled by Parcells, including Jason Garrett. Much of the offensive and defensive schemes have remained. In theory, Parcells could start coaching this team RIGHT NOW. In fact, given Jerry’s options, he may be the only logical choice. At the very least, I imagine the Double J would at least ask for his advice on just what to do about this unholy mess.
Weaknesses: Well, we’ve already been around this block before. Parcells is also the Larry Brown of football, ditching every team he joins once he’s lost interest and/or knows he can take off on a high note. Remember, this is the guy who spiritually left New England BEFORE they played the Super Bowl against Green Bay. Not exactly the real solution you want.
There’s also the matter of Parcells being a powermad megalomaniac, just like his former boss. That combination didn’t quite work during Parcells’ tenure here (TO!), and surely both men know it would rear its head once more if he were brought back into the fold.
Odds Of Being Named The Next Cowboys Coach: 400/1. Parcells is free to leave Miami any time he pleases. He’s spoken wistfully of wanting to be a guy who works behind the scenes, as he did in Miami, to build a winning team. That means he’s really a candidate for a GM/President position, something I’m sure Jerry is still unwilling to relinquish. But hey, crazier things have happened. Like when Jerry hired Wade Phillips! Wasn’t that krayzeeee?
Do You Want Him?: Let us know in the comments.