There have been a great many throwback uniform sightings in the NFL this year. Teams are busting out old duds all over the place, regardless of their quality or, in the case of the Chiefs, geographical import. Even the refs have trotted out throwbacks a couple of times this year. As I said before, I really like those hats they wear with the Auburn logo. Very Auburny. WAR EAGLE, FOLKS!
Throwbacks are less an exercise in nostalgia than they are an easy marketing grab. After all, why buy one jersey when you can buy two for double the price? But some of these unis leave something to be desired. In the case of Denver, they leave much to be desired. Would you really pay $300 to look like a Brown’s Fried Chicken employee? No, you would not.
This throwback season has proven, definitively, that not all retro unis are created equal. In fact, I have decided to rank the ones I’ve seen thus far. You can trust me on this. I’m an unashamed Project Runway fan (GO ALTHEA!). You’ll never guess who’s on top.
1. Dallas. The Cowboys have always had one of the better uniforms throughout the league: clean, simple, attractive. And the nice thing about the Dallas throwbacks is that they feel related to the current unis. It’s not like you have to do a double take. You recognize those uniform as Cowboy uniforms right away. The design is different, but the spirit isn’t. It isn’t like the Bronco throwbacks, where you’d have no clue what team it was unless someone told you. (Note: the San Diego powder blues would be here too, but they haven’t been used yet.)
2. San Francisco. You could almost mistake Shaun Hill for a competent QB in these duds. Remember, Steve Bono once played well in the old San Francisco uniforms. They’re like magic.
3. Buffalo. The one time they bust out the throwbacks, they look like a coherent football team. Since then, they’ve been as unwatchable as that Jay Mohr sitcom.
4. St. Louis. Oooh, yellow! So lively!
5. Minnesota. Depends on your affinity for purple. Regardless, they still kick ass over the new unis.
6. Pittsburgh. They’re okay, what with the yellow helmets and all. But let’s face it: the current Steelers unis are already throwbacks. They already evoke the likes of Bradshaw and Harris. No need to go back BEFORE all that cool stuff.
7. New England. Boston fans love the old Pat Patriot logo. And why not? The team was dreadful whenever they played in those unis, and there’s nothing Boston people love more than being miserable jackasses.
8. Tennessee. Nice oil derricks, but they only serve to remind you that Bud Adams screwed the people of Houston.
9. Kansas City. Just like the current uniforms, only with a map of Texas on the helmet. Because they were once the Texans, so they needed a map of Texas there to reinforce it. Texans are very creative.
10. Denver. You mean I’m not at the ballet?
11. Cleveland. What’s that? Those AREN’T throwbacks? They should be.