Every Friday, we’ll tackle five big questions for the Cowboys going into the weekend’s game.
1. The Cowboys got killed by Green Bay just as Jessica Simpson declared her renewed love for the team. Are we screwed? You sure are. Just look at this photo recently snapped by the good folks at TMZ. She’s wearing an officially licensed team sweatshirt! GAHHHHHH NOOOOOOO EVERYTHING IS RUINED! I’m telling you, this woman is big-breasted kryptonite. If she gets within a hundred yards of the president, that health care bill will NEVER PASS. I’m not sure I can find a clearer example of one fan being this horrible of a jinx on one team. She’s like clockwork. Fear this woman. SHE’S A WITCH.
2. If the Cowboys lose, are they screwed? Possibly. This stretch of the Redskins and Raiders is the “easiest” remaining part of their schedule. If they don’t win these two games, the gauntlet they face at the end of the year (including the Chargers, Saints, Eagles, and Giants) may end up doing them in. They HAVE to sweep this homestand if they want to avoid yet another second half collapse. I strongly suggest you find a paper bag to hyperventilate into.
3. Will Clinton Portis play? No. DAMN IT ALL! Oh, if only Portis were healthy, and Dan Snyder had forced the Skins coaching staff to keep his glacially slow ass on the field. What a dream that would have been. Alas, Portis is out, and the Cowboys are stuck facing Ladell Betts, who at this point is a better back than Portis. It helps when you aren’t 5,000 pounds.
4. Will Skins punter Hunter Smith hit the video board? No, but that’s the least of the Cowboys’ worries about Smith. The man has already run and passed for touchdowns this season. He is a scoring MACHINE. I’d bench Jason Campbell in favor of Smith yesterday. Hunter Smith is an animal.
5. The Packers sacked Romo five times last week, and now red hot Skins pass rusher Brian Orakpo is in town, and GAHHHHHHH IF THEY FOLD NOW I WILL BEAT MYSELF WITH A LEATHER STRAP UNTIL I PASS OUT! It’s okay. Just hold my hand. Things will be okay.