Emmitt Smith, satire
Emmitt Smiff Has A Few More Words For The Rest Of The Cowboys
After predicting the Cowboys to have a 7-9 season AND managing to criticize Roy Williams and Tony Romo in the process, you’d think Emmitt Smith would be finished mouthing off. You would be wrong. I spoke to Smith this morning and, once again, he had some pretty strong words for both the team AND for Jerry Jones and his new stadium. Please note that I have transcribed Smith’s words EXACTLY as he told them to me. I apologize if this affects the legibility of the post.
On the new stadium:
I think it’s nutrageous. Absolutely nutrageous. To spell all that money on a stadium in today’s economic climax, I think it’s a real upfront to people out there who are living hand-to-eye.
On the new video board:
It’s a very nice TV. Very high deposition. But at the end of the day, it’s still just a TV. And the fact is, it’s an OBSTETRICIAN! It’s going to ostracize any punt that gets in its way. If I’m a punter in the Nationals Football League, I am LIVER about it.
On Martellus Bennett:
He’s very talented. I think we all know he has the Capital City to be a force in this league. But he’s got to lay off that Titter. That Titter will do nothing but distractor you. He’s Tittering too much! And half the time, I can’t compensate what he’s writing! It’s totally inelectable!
On Wade Phillips:
I think we all know he’s a lame dunk.
On Jason Garrett:
He’s calling too many plays for Witten! You can’t have a one-detentional offense in this league! THAT WILL GET YOU MASTICATED! You’ve gotta have some bounce. MORE HYBIRD FORMATIONS! MORE INTERJINGLING! If I’m Jason Garrett, I say to my men, “Men, this is the National Football League. And to win in this League, you must be able to masturbate the ball down the feel! And that’s what we’re going to do! We will POUND the ball down the feel, and we will make defenses accouch for every receiver we have! We will not suck come to failure! WE WILL TRUMPET!” That’s what I would say.
Note: Dramatization. May not have happened.
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