Bad night, Cowboy fans? Can’t believe your team blew a game where they rushed for over 250 yards? Can’t understand how Tony Romo can look so awesome versus Tampa only to turn into Jake Delhomme a week later? Did Flozell Adams blatantly trip your mother as she was walking out of the house this morning?
Fear not. Your smooth-faced team owner would like to remind you that, win or lose, THERE ARE STILL WILD, SEXY CAGE DANCERS IN HIS NEW STADIUM.
Yes, that’s right. CAGE DANCERS. As pointed out by Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth in an exchange that was the true highlight of last evening’s telecast. Collinsworth suggested patrons stand behind the cage dancers at all times. Michaels speculated that the cage dancers represented AAA ball for all aspiring Cowboys cheerleaders (I call BS. We all know the team plane stewardesses are the real minor league affiliate). It wasn’t a creepy or sexist moment at all!
In fact, I’m sure these fine, aspiring French Philosophy students were treated with nothing but respect and the utmost dignity by the 100,000 drunk people wedged into the complex last night. I’m sure fathers held their sons by the hand and told them, “Son, those are cage dancers. You are to respect their authority as you would a policeman or circuit court judge.” After all, they’re scantily clad women placed IN A CAGE, suspended in midair, and told to dance for your pleasure. I can’t think of anything inappropriate about that in a family setting.
These cage dancers are but Phase One of the Double J’s strategy to make Cowboys Stadium represent the next generation of sporting complexes by mimicking all the facets of a European discotheque. Be on the lookout next week for free ecstasy and pacifiers at the gate. Also, the team will be handing out gold lame shirts to all fans in order to “gold out” the stands and dazzle the other team into submission. And there will be Daft Punk songs. Oh, will there ever be Daft Punk songs. THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING NIGHT. WHERE’S MY GLOWSTICK?
Screencap via Shutdown Corner.