It’s Halloween on Saturday. If you’re like me, you spend every Halloween determined to come up with a clever costume, only to give up after 10 minutes of thinking hard, throwing on a construction vest and getting right to the drinking and candy. It’s like being thrown into a Project Runway challenge without your consent, and it’s not fair.
Anyway, there are plenty of Web sites out there ready to offer you suggestions for costume ideas. Oh, I see! You’re wearing a slip that says FREUD on it! You’re a Freudian Slip! That would be so clever if I hadn’t seen 547 other people do it!
To that end, Web site Capital Chimes (which is the official newspaper of Capital University, which I have never heard of) has come up with a list of costume ideas for what they term “sarcastic sports fans.” Their Cowboys-inspired getup is dressing like Emmitt Smith when he was on Dancing With The Stars, which is pretty much the same as dressing up as ANY Dancing With The Stars contestant.
Obnoxious, pimp-resembling outfits are perfect for this ensemble.
Yes, but why not simply dress as a pimp instead and cut out the middleman? Folks, we can’t abide by uninspired Cowboys costume suggestions such as this one. I have racked my brain and come up with several alternative ideas for you. If you’re a woman, please dress as a team cheerleader. Goes without saying. But if you’re a dude, consider the following:
Everett McIver: Simply walk around with a pair of scissors sticking out of your neck.
Jason Garrett: Dye hair red. Plan to egg only the most difficult houses in each neighborhood.
Jerry Jones: Apply clothespins to cheeks. Charge trick or treaters $79 to knock on your door, $29 if they just want to hang out on your lawn.
Wade Phillips: Buy blond wig. Cry when mom tells you all the candy is being thrown out after the weekend.
Miles Austin: Call dentist. Ask for caps and gum extensions.
Emmitt Smith refrigerator poetry: Affix words like “debacled,” “flexagility,” and “masticulated” to a black sweatsuit.
Alvin Harper: Wear suit. Carry around briefcase filled with adult toys.
Barry Switzer: Shave head. Drink.
And that’s merely the tip of the iceberg Suggestions welcome in the comments, of course. It’s Halloween, gang. Have a ball. Be a Cowboy.