Dear Cowboys Fans,
I know that Sunday was rough for you guys. It was rough for me too. I'm sure you think that hats, being inanimate objects and all, don't care about the results of football games but that's not true. I've loved the Cowboys since the moment I was created at that sweatshop in Bhutan and I share your pain at this hour.
That's why it is so distressing to learn that so many of you are taking out your anger on me. I can't choose my owner anymore than you can choose the hat that Tony Romo chooses to wear to a press conference after a second straight disaster in a season that's only two games long. I'm not supposed to be in a situation like that.
I'm meant to be worn to a charity event or product launch by a second-tier celebrity or a contestant on "American Idol." There are supposed to be pictures of me sitting on one of their heads while they make goofy hand gestures or hold up some C-list bottle of tequila. If I'm really lucky, one of those creeps from "Entourage" wears me on an episode and my brethren start flying off the shelves in malls around America.
In other words, I'm not meant for serious business so it's just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you why Tony decided to wear me to that press conference on Sunday night. I'm a hat for followers, not leaders, which is why I shouldn't have been anywhere near Tony's head. He was supposed to be convincing you fans that there wasn't any reason to panic because their team is being led by a serious man who will lift the team up on his shoulders. Instead he only convinced people that he's ready to fill any open spots on the next Backstreet Boys reunion tour.
We hats don't like to jump to conclusions about the people who wear us, but I'm starting to wonder if Tony is really cut out for this gig. The simple fact that a hat like me appeals to him certainly gives me pause. I mean, you'd never see Tom Brady wearing me and he's got the most ridiculous haircut this side of a "Mad Max" film. Peyton Manning either, but that fivehead makes hats a big problem for him in general.
I get why that makes you angry. Like I said, I'm angry about the way the Cowboys have played too. I realize I'm just a few pieces of felt stitched together by a preteen for pennies a day, but I feel things and I hurt and I really wish that people would direct their anger toward the people who really deserve it. Like that dope Jason Garrett, for example.
Hopefully we'll meet again under better circumstances, like the long awaited "Newsies" sequel. Love that Christian Bale. He'd never wear a hat like me if he wasn't getting paid for it.
Tony Romo's Hat
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