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Attn. Ladies: Marty B Guarantees Satisfaction

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Attn. Ladies: Marty B Guarantees Satisfaction

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Martellus Bennett doesn't think he'll be left as the featured tight end tomorrow against the Raiders, with Jason Witten battling a sore foot and called questionable. He cites Witten's Eastwoodian toughness, the instance last year in which Witten played with a broken rib, and joked that he'd probably play without a foot at all. Cleated nubs aside, these are apropos thoughts on a very tough man.

But in case Witten doesn't play, Bennett will be ready to step in. The former Aggie is coming off his biggest performance of the season against Washington, putting up 43 yards receiving on three catches. "I'm always ready," Bennett said on Tuesday. "I'm usually playing 50 plays out of 65 so that's just 10 extra plays. I'm ready to do whatever is needed."

Mathematical disconnect or no, Bennett isn't one to want for confidence, on or off the field. As much is more than a little apparent in listening to the latest offering from Bennett's hip hop group, The Moonshine Kids. Between asserting his presumably vast wealth, a schedule which consists, in part, of "ballin'" and peacocking to the ladies, Bennett puts forth a business-like pledge of quality:

"Baby I'm good, check the recipe, satisfaction guaranteed when you mess with me. Everywhere we go, everyone should know that you're rollin' with me--baby, it's guaranteed. It's guaranteed (satisfaction guaranteed), it's guaranteed (satisfaction guaranteed), it's guaranteed."

In this opening verse, Bennett seems to bemoan the death of chivalry--its absence from the postmodern world--while touching on the sense of devotion that comes as a result of amorous love, a devotion which manifests itself, here, in a guarantee. It will become a theme throughout the three minutes and change the song runs, hearkening back to a simpler era of courtship. Bennett continues:

"Baby it's good, it's guaranteed, holler at your boy, I got whatever you may need. Trying to bless you like a [brother] heard you sneeze, come and go, girl, like a cool summer breeze. Wherever you may be, that's where I want to be, fly across the world--what's a couple hundred Gs? Different room every night, a couple hundred keys, when I put it on you satisfaction guaranteed."

Here, the reminiscence of 19th century romantic verse intensifies, as Bennett speaks to the universality of human emotion using the vernacular of the modern American, much in the style of Coleridge's and Wordsworth's Lyrical Ballads. Well, either that, or the offering is nothing more than an average hip hop song, the obligatory let's-do-one-for-the-ladies piece to be found on any rap album of the past fifteen years.

We'll somewhat reluctantly give Marty B the benefit of the doubt. But you can judge for yourself, here.

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